The Show

Help me out here. Who do I call to get Roger Clemens's family to
stop following me around?

TIGER'S FORMER CADDIE CARRIES BAGS FOR GUY WHO WINS U.S. OPEN For
those of you unfamiliar with Jim Furyk, he is a less dynamic,
lower-key version of Scott Simpson.

Before Furyk hit his birdie putt at the 11th hole, a topless
woman ran out of the gallery onto the green. And, in Furyk's
honor, she covered herself cross-handed.

Tom Watson, 53, led after the first round with a five-under 65.
Then he threw his backswing out.

During his record second-round 63, Vijay Singh was heckled by a
man in the gallery about Annika Sorenstam. The fan was removed by
Chicago cops and immediately thrown into the audience at Jerry
Springer.

NBC really lost interest once Tiger Woods dropped back. Midway
through the final round, it cut away for 15 minutes for a live
tour of the empty Arena Bowl pregame show set.

I don't want to say Tiger's game went south, but he played the
last 27 holes at Doral.

SOSA SITS SEVEN GAMES After an appeal, Major League Baseball
reduced its suspension by a game. Originally, Sosa wanted them to
cut it in half, but he was afraid of what they might find.

Bob DuPuy reduced the suspension because he believed Sosa's
explanation about picking up the wrong bat by accident. Why can't
the IRS send a guy like this to audit me?

Last week Bill Clinton called Sosa and told him to "hang in
there." And then urged him to get all his bats dry-cleaned.

The incident may cost Sammy millions in off-the-field earnings.
Fortunately, he just got a new endorsement: "Cork: The other
white meat."

Elsewhere the Yankees were no-hit by six different Astros
pitchers. By the seventh inning a desperate George Steinbrenner
hired three steroid vendors.

And the Mets promoted pitcher Jason Roach from Triple A. Roach
turned up at Shea Stadium in Tony Tarasco's glove compartment.

SPURS DOWN NETS Jason Kidd had strong stats in the Game 6 loss in
San Antonio. And that was after being out all night with a local
real estate agent.

The Nets got permission to wear their ABA retro jerseys for Game
5. And it would have been great, except for the Tim Duncan
matchup with Billy Paultz.

As the series wore on, the New Jersey fast break really slowed
down. Come on. Martin Brodeur moved faster in the Stanley Cup
handshake line.

In other NBA news Kobe Bryant underwent surgery for a torn
labrum. He injured his shoulder trying to suddenly grasp the
logic behind LeBron's $90 million shoe deal.

And an Illinois judge ruled that Michael Jordan does not have to
pay former girlfriend Karla Knafel $5 million in hush money. What
a relief. For a minute there I was worried he wouldn't have
enough cash to buy the Bucks.

FORMER UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI RUNNING BACK JAMES STEWART PLEADS
GUILTY TO FELONY DISTRIBUTION OF COCAINE He'll be sentenced in
October, and the following month at the Orange Bowl he'll be
inducted into the Hurricanes' Drug Ring of Honor.

MANCHESTER UNITED TRIES TO SELL DAVID BECKHAM TO BARCELONA The
deal fell through after Man U was unable to get Beckham's
approval and his wife, Victoria, refused to change her name to
Picante Spice.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Cuff-Links.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG