The Show

Before we begin, quick impression. Oprah Winfrey to Michael
Jordan before his deal fell through: "O.K., I'm in. But only if
you change the name to Oprah's Buck Club."

DON'T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED IN THE NBA DRAFT, I TAPED IT Big day
for the Cavaliers. They grabbed LeBron James with the first pick,
then in the second round grabbed the guy who sold his mom the
Hummer.

It was a moving moment when LeBron walked up to the podium, then
bought it.

The star power really dimmed after the first three picks. At one
point I swear I heard David Stern say, "The Phoenix Suns
select...that kid over there in the giant suit."

Portland chose Travis Outlaw in the first round. Depending on how
you score, he'll either be the first Outlaw to play for the
Blazers or the sixth.

And finally, some good news for Pat Riley. The Miami Heat has
been invited to join the ACC.

JETS DEFENSIVE TACKLE JOSH EVANS SUSPENDED INDEFINITELY AFTER
THIRD POSITIVE TEST FOR MARIJUANA He faces a lifetime ban from
the NFL. Of course, that can be avoided if the Jets just place
him on injured reserve with glaucoma.

Evans has been suspended twice and is tested up to 10 times a
month. As a matter of fact, his bathroom at home has a specimen
cup dispenser. With carryout lids.

BONDS FIRST MEMBER OF 500-500 CLUB It may mean nothing to you,
but it entitles him to 20% off all elbow armor.

Unfortunately the next day his 73rd home run ball fell just short
of making the 500-500-500 Club.

Last week the Red Sox set a major league record by scoring 10
runs before their first out en route to a 25-8 win over the
Marlins. Hey, forget that, the bullpen held the lead!

Jack McKeon was so upset after the loss, he banged back half a
case of Ensure.

The Red Sox want permission from the city to hold two September
concerts at Fenway Park with Bruce Springsteen and his band.
Speaking of E Street, does anyone have an address for Jose
Offerman?

Rangers owner Tom Hicks told his G.M., John Hart, to start
dumping salaries. Here's the scary part: Martha Stewart knew this
was going to happen in April.

Of course, Billy Beane is sitting patiently in Oakland, waiting
for Ugie Urbina to become available with 0% financing.

Juan Gonzalez turned down a trade to Montreal. Two reasons: He's
happy in Texas, and he didn't want to miss Carl Everett's annual
midsummer freak-out.

LARRY ROBINSON WITHDRAWS AS RANGERS COACHING CANDIDATE Apparently
he'd like an easier challenge. Like rebuilding Iraq.

And the NHL approved the sale of the Ottawa franchise to Eugene
Melnyk for $92 million. It's the first time somebody who wasn't a
tobacco lobbyist shelled out that much dough for a bunch of
Senators.

ANNA KOURNIKOVA SITS OUT WIMBELDON WITH BACK INJURY No one knows
how she sustained the injury, but we can pretty much rule out
that it came from lifting and moving trophies.

TIGER WOODS WANTS ALL PGA TOUR PLAYERS TO HAVE THEIR DRIVERS
TESTED FOR CONFORMITY And cholesterol.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Outsiders.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG