The Show

Note to reader: For no logical reason, until further notice
please replace all references to Barry Zito with Roger Clemens.

THE SLIPPER FITS! BEN CURTIS WINS BRITISH OPEN! UNBELIEVABLE A
year ago this kid was playing on the Hooters Tour. Of course, the
big prize on the Hooters Tour is the Claret Jugs.

Tiger Woods never recovered from a triple bogie on the 1st hole
last Thursday. He finished two strokes back and has not won a
major in more than 13 months. O.K., I'll say it. It's time to
retire and play minor league baseball.

John Daly tied for last with a final-round 80. He played so
poorly he has to go to Q school next year to be one of Michael
Douglas's friends.

Tough conditions the first two days in England. Or, as Tony Blair
called it, "weather of mass destruction."

As usual, there were some surprise early front-runners. S.K. Ho.
Wasn't that a character on In Living Color?

AL UNTIES NL 7-6 They're already tinkering with next year's
All-Star Game. In the new format the losing league gets custody
of the Expos.

Surprisingly, National League manager Dusty Baker did not save
his position players. By the end of the game the only people left
on his bench were Geoff Jenkins and Amy Grant.

In other baseball news the Dodgers signed 44-year-old Rickey
Henderson. In his honor, fans will not start arriving at Dodger
Stadium until the third person.

Albert Pujols still has a shot at the Triple Crown. Apparently
Funny Cide and Empire Maker don't have quite enough plate
appearances.

This just in: The Italian sausage mascot will return after a
rehab stint with the Brewers' Hickory Farm club.

RUSH LIMBAUGH HIRED FOR ESPN'S SUNDAY NFL COUNTDOWN Are you like
me? Suddenly you want Chris Berman to talk more?

Limbaugh will contribute an opening essay, which will be followed
by a short break while they refill the studio with oxygen.

Rush fits the two primary qualities ESPN was looking for: someone
who can express his opinions without equivocation, and someone
who can fit into Bill Parcells's old pants without alteration.

The Limbaugh hiring has had an effect. Membership in the Bristol,
Conn., chapter of the NRA increased by 200%.

Also at ESPN, Deion Sanders was named host of The New American
Sportsman. Don't miss the season premier, when Prime Time and
Robert Duvall go hunting for auto repairs discounts.

Deion just won a case in court after the owner of a car-repair
shop said he paid only $1,500 of a $4,200 bill on the advice of
Jesus. Actually, Jesus told Deion to pay $1,500, and that He may
be back in three days with the rest.

You know Deion's getting old when he can't even cover an
outstanding balance.

CHRIS WEBBER COPS PLEA, AVOIDS PERJURY TRIAL AND POSSIBLE JAIL
SENTENCE So, 10 years later he finally used a time out correctly.

WASHINGTON MEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM PLACED ON TWO YEARS' PROBATION
Which answers the question, "Who else was in Rick Neuheisel's
NCAA pool?"

MAN WAKES UP AFTER BEING IN COMA SINCE 1984 His first question:
"Are the Tigers still running away with the AL East?"

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy The Remains.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG