The Show

If I seem a little down, bear with me. Went to see Seabiscuit,
got shut out at the window.

TOUR DE LANCE...TAKE FIVE Armstrong won his fifth straight
Tour, despite falling twice and completing stage 9 on a recumbent
bike.

In his closest win yet Armstrong defeated Jan Ullrich by 61
seconds. But, to be fair, Lance could have increased his lead
another two minutes if he'd been willing to fall a few more
times.

Lance now has five yellow jerseys, tying him with Miguel Indurain
and four others, including a guy who broke into the Padres'
locker room in 1974.

Meanwhile, Tyler Hamilton became only the sixth American to win a
stage of the Tour. And he did it using a spare handlebar as a
collarbone.

KOBE GIVES WIFE $4 MILLION DIAMOND RING I was shocked. It's not
like Kobe to give up the rock.

The ring contained an eight-carat purple diamond. Oh, I get it.
Eight, to match his number. Purple, because it happened on the
road.

The Lakers are standing behind their star. Not only that, Phil
Jackson urged Kobe to hire a third lawyer so he could come up
with a triangle defense.

This case has everybody on edge. Earlier today Timberwolves VP
Kevin McHale and his wife held a press conference to announce
that their four-way deal was consensual.

The Knicks cannot get a break. Due to a clerical error they
traded Latrell Sprewell to three teams and wound up with former
Bears tackle Keith Van Horne.

The T-Wolves made out great. They got Sprewell and the rights to
a disoriented Calvin Klein.

NFL TRAINING CAMPS IN FULL SWEAT Which means Steve Spurrier has
a little more than a month to get down to his final 53
quarterbacks.

Once again the world champion Buccaneers will train at Disney
World. There's a one-hour wait to ride Warren Sapp.

The Bengals are in Georgetown, Ky. And the media attention
surrounding their top pick, Carson Palmer, is so intense, he's
had to check into a local hotel under an assumed name: Akili
Klingler.

The Chargers moved their camp to The Home Depot Center in Carson,
Calif. Which raises the question: How many two-by-fours do you
need to prevent a second-half collapse?

The Jaguars placed DE Tony Brackens on the Physically Unable to
Perform List. What a coincidence. Liza did the same thing with
David Gest.

This just in: Lions G.M. Matt Millen has been fined another $10
for not sitting through Bad Boys II.

In other NFL news Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens served seven
days in jail after pleading guilty to reckless driving. Police
had discovered two open bottles of champagne in his car. Here's
my question: How come the cops have an easier time finding things
open than Trent Dilfer?

BUCS DON'T STOP HERE WITH SALARY DUMPING Six teams are interested
in Brian Giles. Pirates G.M. Kevin McClatchy is trying to work
out a time-share.

DOCTORS CLAIM GASH OVER VITALY KLITSCHKO'S EYE HEALED
"EXTRAORDINARILY QUICK" Yeah, the two guys living in that space
had to move out a month early.

My time is up. You've all been great. Enjoy Them.

Bill Scheft, the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman, is the author of the novel The Ringer, now
available in paperback.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG