The Show

Good to be here. Maybe it's just me, but I prefer Coco Crisp
right out of the box.

MIKE TYSON FILES FOR BANKRUPTCY He plans to start fighting under
the name Busted Douglas.

It's serious. Next month The Ring magazine will start ranking his
accountants.

He's so broke, his next face tattoo has to be in red ink.

Tyson has lost or blown an estimated $300 million. Wow. To put
that amount in perspective, to make $300 million, Peter McNeely
would have to take a dive every day for 2 1/2 years.

KOBE DROPPED AS SPOKESMAN FOR NUTELLA I'll be honest. I never
heard of Nutella. I thought it was another nickname for Mark
Cuban.

The Mavericks' owner said he believes the league will benefit
financially from the Bryant case. You know, he's right. That
comment alone should bring in an extra million to the NBA fine
office.

Seriously, maybe it's time for David Stern to start fining
Cuban's psychiatrist.

SHOCKEY: PART CUBAN? In a recent magazine article the All-Pro
tight end referred to Cowboys coach Bill Parcells as a "homo."
First, Shockey claimed he was misquoted, then "misinterpreted,"
and then he apologized. Now he says the remark shouldn't count
because he made it during the exhibition season.

In other NFL news the Hall of Fame Game was suspended in the
third quarter due to torrential rains and lightning. (Memo to God
from Monday Night Football producer Fred Gaudelli: Please save
further stunts for bad matchups in Weeks 13-17....)

And Philadelphia running back Duce Staley continues his holdout.
Apparently, he won't report until the Eagles reverse their policy
on bringing outside food into the red zone.

MARLINS DEALING FOR NL WILD CARD Florida is 17 games above .500
since 72-year-old Jack McKeon took over as manager. And 14-4
since McKeon persuaded the players to start eating supper at 3:00
in the afternoon.

The Marlins have undergone a complete metamorphosis under McKeon.
These days, you walk into the Florida clubhouse, the speakers are
blasting Perry Como.

Meanwhile, it's August. Which means that in order to change
teams, players must go unclaimed through waivers--and eBay.

eBay. I believe Chuck Knoblauch's retirement home is on eBay.

Alex Rodriguez has retracted a comment he made last month, when
he claimed he would consider a trade from the Rangers. So, the
check cleared.

Devil Rays rookie Rocco Baldelli went 2 for 24 as his average
dropped below .300 for the first time since April 2. Insiders
believe the slump began when he started dating a Marilyn Monroe
impersonator.

The grandson of Twins owner Carl Pohldad is working as an intern
at Major League Baseball's New York City office. The job doesn't
pay, just like Grandpa.

MARK PHILIPPOUSSIS REPORTEDLY DATING ACTRESS TARA REID Which
means he's advanced to Tara's round of 16 boyfriends.

NBC SPORTS CHIEF DICK EBERSOL PAYS $50,000 AT A CHARITY
FUND-RAISER TO HAVE CARLY SIMON REVEAL THE SUBJECT OF YOU'RE SO
VAIN Suddenly that XFL deal seems like a sound financial
investment.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy R. Dean Taylor.

Bill Scheft, the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman, is the author of the novel The Ringer, which is
now available in paperback.

COLOR PHOTO: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG