The Show

Good to be here. Just finished reading last week's issue of
SI.... I'm telling you, Walt Disney must be turning over in his
liquid nitrogen.

MASSIVE POWER FAILURE GRIPS CANADA, NORTHEAST 50 million people
were without electricity. Although QuesTec says it was only 16.

Experts are still not certain what caused the outage, but they're
pretty sure Dave Bliss will end up blaming everything on Patrick
Dennehy.

The Mets-Giants game at Shea Stadium was canceled. Let me be the
200th wise-guy sportswriter to say, "It's the only time New York
relievers have been lights out this season."

Come on. If the Yankees' bullpen by committee gets any more
ineffective, it will be admitted to the United Nations.

Two WNBA games were called off. And attendance actually went up.

It was the first blackout in New York City since the summer of
1977. Unless you're talking about Billy Martin after a Yankees
loss.

SHAUN LEAVES CHAD HANGING FOR PGA TITLE Micheel became the first
player since John Daly to make the PGA his first Tour victory.
Who would have bet on that? You know, other than John Daly's
wife?

Strange name, Micheel. But look at the bright side.
Alphabetically, it's the closest Phil Mickelson's come to winning
a major.

Oak Hill was a tough layout. Tiger Woods lost three excuses in
the rough.

Poor Tiger. He dropped so far out of contention in Rochester, for
the fourth round he was paired with two marketing executives from
Kodak.

Woods tried everything. Before Saturday's round he replaced his
Titleist driver with a Nike scythe.

RAFAEL PALMEIRO REJECTS POSSIBLE TRADE TO THE CUBS Apparently the
deal fell apart when team officials weren't willing to
re-nickname Wrigley Field the Viagra-Friendly Confines.

In other baseball news, last week President Clinton paid a
surprise visit to Barry Bonds at Shea. Clinton and Barry have a
lot in common. They both go for days now without getting a chance
to swing.

NFL LIFTS BAN ON PHARMACEUTICAL ADVERTISING So, figure $20
million and Eli Lilly can get the Dolphins to make their star
linebacker change his name to Prozac Thomas.

In a related story, the FDA has approved the Baltimore Ravens'
offense as an over-the-counter sleeping aid.

And I don't know if this has anything to do with Jeremy Shockey's
recent remarks, but Bill Parcells has discontinued his
training-camp tradition of making rookies stand up in the
cafeteria and sing show tunes.

LANCE ARMSTRONG RECEIVES $3.2 MILLION BONUS FROM UNITED STATES
POSTAL SERVICE FOR WINNING TOUR DE FRANCE Are you like me? Are
you thinking that's last year's bonus check just arriving in the
mail?

JIM LAMPLEY TO HOST DAYTIME COVERAGE OF 2004 SUMMER OLYMPICS This
is Lampley's record-tying 12th Olympic assignment. And he plans
to wear his throwback hair from the 1992 Games.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Box Tops.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG