Anagramarama

For this issue of Sports Illustrated (Lurid, Topless Tarts) I
have anagrammatized Cheryl Tiegs (Sigh Erectly) and Secretariat
(Race Artiste) and Kobe Bryant (Bonk, Betray) and New Orleans
Saints (Serial Wantonness), and what I have been able to discover
is this: Pete Sampras Eats Pampers.

With the help of an online program, located at
www.wordsmith.org/anagram and called Internet Anagram Server (I,
Rearrangement Servant), I will hereby Edit/Rearrange (Edgar
Renteria) every name in sports, thus confirming what we already
know about the L.A. Clippers (I Spell Crap) and Christian
Laettner (Eternal Antichrist) and Rollie Massimino (Immoral
Oiliness).

You see, anagrams are truth serum. They are--to this Loathsome
Pundit--Sodium Pentathol. Anagrams peer into the human soul: of
Isaiah Rider (I, Sir Airhead) and Vince Lombardi (Civil Doberman)
and the New York Mets (My Town Reeks), whose every fan, at Shea
Stadium, Audits Shame.

In these Craven Times (Steve McNair), when it seems every last
"Sunday Night Conversation" Contained Unsavory Things, we need a
man like Tyrone Willingham (Lo, Almighty Winner).

Impartial anagrams expose a Misnamed Shyster like Andy
Messersmith and rechristen these people more aptly. Thus an
anagram sees the real role of benched Ohio State running back
Maurice Clarett: Termite Accrual.

All of which is to say, anagrams don't lie, and if you don't
believe us, ask anyone who has stood too close to Mark O'Meara
(Aroma Maker).

Anagrams know that the Orlando Magic are, come playoff time,
Micro-Gonadal. Seattle Mariners? Mere Tantalisers. Anagrams see
this, for anagrams see everything, much to the chagrin of Raul
Mondesi (Solid Manure).

Is Priest Holmes Heroism Spelt, or the Simplest Hero, or Hostile
Sperm? Whatever the answer, the Chiefs' running back is, as we
have seen, Tri-Anagrammatic, which is itself an anagram of Martin
Gramatica.

Anagrams often appear torn from the headlines: DEION SANDERS
SOARED, SINNED....NAACP MAILS AL CAMPANIS.... LONDON FLETCHER
CONFRONTED HELL....ORLANDO MERCED DECLARED MORON.

Yes, there is a Creepy Element to Peter McNeeley. Ron Artest is
Not Sartre. Michael Irvin was, at one time, a Criminal Hive.
Simeon Rice (No Mercies, I) and Tim Raines (I'm Nastier) may very
well be Sicker Lunatics than Curtis Leskanic. Yet we'd rather
dwell on the Whimsical Glee of a Willis McGahee than the
Malodorama of A Lamar Odom.

Anagrams are looking out for your best interest, so take their
advice: When participating in a Steve Carlton (Scrotal Event)
like pole vaulting or pommel horse, be sure to protect your
Garrison Hearst (Trashier Organs), lest you end up with a Kellen
Winslow (Swollen Winkle).

Some names sound great as is. Vitaly Klitschko has a Tchaikovsky
Lilt. Houston Astros: That's Sonorous. It would be professional
folly to change the name Kathy Ireland to Think Already.

But other handles are more euphonious when rearranged. If there
is a name more lovely than Meadowlark Lemon's, it is his
anagrammed alter ego, Emerald Moonwalk.

That's because an anagrammed world is redolent of jazz clubs and
Negro leagues baseball and pool hustlers, peopled--as it is--by
Sam Lonesome (Moses Malone), Hosanna Monty (Anthony Mason),
Sidelong Waldo (Wilson Delgado), Elgin Brawly (Billy Wagner),
Levi Heckman (Kevin McHale), Gus Miracles (Marcus Giles),
Bedstraw Harry (Terry Bradshaw) and Elmer Banjos (LeBron James).
To say nothing of Handrail Connors (Nolan Richardson). Which
is--by the way--our first Arkansas Mention (Annika Sorenstam).

You could have filled a whole bill at the Cotton Club entirely
with Charles Oakley, a.k.a. Lacy Lakeshore, Clara Keyholes,
Earlock Halsey, Rascal Keyhole, Aleck Hoarsley and Lackey
Lahores.

Indeed, even the Dimmest Hick (Mike Schmidt) would prefer a world
in which Tiger Woods was called Dr. Goosewit, who sounds like the
chief of a Viennese sleep-disorder clinic.

Anagrams are a parallel universe. In this anagramarama Tony
Graffanino becomes Tiffany Rangoon, a stripper who gives Lap
Dances to Dan Plesac at the Carnal Maypole (Roy Campanella), a
club owned by Vito Legman (Tom Glavine) and managed by Amber
Lovesick (Kelvim Escobar), who happens to be a Lesbian (Len
Bias).

Trust anagrams. Rickey Henderson really has, with the Mets and
the Yankees, Enriched Yonkers. A genius in full bloom, Pedro
Martinez really is Mozart Ripened. Dale Earnhardt? Read
Heartland.

All true. For anagrams, unlike someone I could name, Never Sh*t
Us (Steve Rush*n).

B/W PHOTO: JEFFERY A. SALTER

Anagrams peer into the human soul: of Isaiah Rider (I, Sir
Airhead) and Vince Lombardi (Civil Doberman.)