The Show

Bear with me, I'm still coming down from the NFL Kickoff Concert.
Tell me if I'm wrong: If your team needs help against the run,
you can do worse than Aretha Franklin.

RAINS END, REIGNS BEGIN AT U.S. OPEN Because of the constant
showers, multimedia exhibitions on the three indoor courts at the
National Tennis Center had to be taken down so players could
practice. So, fans were cheated out of seeing the smash tennis
musical, Strictly Ballboy.

So much rain at the beginning of Week 2, they had to attach
pontoons to the Mac Cam.

By the way, thank God they lifted the "no outside food" ban at
Flushing Meadow. The first night I thought I saw Donald Trump
trying to smuggle in a tuna melt. Turned out to be his hair.

OHIO STATE NEARLY GETS KICKED IN AZTECS And now it looks as if
Maurice Clarett will not be allowed to play for the defending
champs this season. But here's the good news: The car he got from
the local dealership still has three years of eligibility left.

Turns out that wasn't just any automobile Clarett was driving.
That's the car students were going to set on fire if the Buckeyes
win again this year.

Clarett's family is considering suing the NFL to let him enter
the draft a year early. I think the league will probably settle
out of court and give his mom title to a Hummer.

TEXANS NET DOLPHINS David Carr was not sacked in Houston's 21-20
upset over Miami. I didn't see the game. How long was he allowed
to wear the red "no-contact" jersey?

Kurt Warner fumbled six times and threw an interception in the
Rams' 23-13 loss to the Giants. Hey, Mike Martz, is that a Bulger
in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

The Bengals debuted their first uniform change in 22 seasons. The
new black pants are supposed to be a fashion statement. And I
believe that statement is, "We got the white pants beaten off
us."

Elsewhere, the Patriots released four-time Pro Bowler Lawyer
Milloy. Let's hope the cap money they save will be put to good
use--like psychoanalysis for Bill Belichick.

The day after he was let go, Milloy signed with the Bills in a
deal loaded with incentives. For instance, he gets $100,000 for
every 10 pages of the Patriots' playbook he brings with him.

CBS has changed its NFL theme music, to attract younger viewers.
Not only that, the promotional spots feature hip-hop artist Ja
Rule. Shouldn't that be Ja Tuck Rule?

According to Forbes the Redskins are valued at $952 million. And
now that they have released Danny Wuerffel, it's closer to $960
million.

JOE TORRE SAYS MANAGING YANKS ISN'T FUN ANYMORE Come on. What's
more fun than wasting $183 million of somebody else's money?

Big league rosters expanded Sept. 1, and the Phillies added an
infielder, three pitchers and four replacement veins for Larry
Bowa's head.

Juan Gonzalez has hired his third agent of the season. This
sounds like something from an episode of Arli$$. Except it's, you
know, funny.

MADDEN 2004 INCORRECTLY DEPICTS CARDINALS DT MARCUS BELL AS WHITE
But on the bright side, he'll never be pulled over by a
computerized cop for no reason.

The last three players to appear on the cover of Madden video
football have suffered serious injuries. So what are the EA folks
waiting for? Put Saddam on there!

CART LOSES $34.5 MILLION IN SECOND FISCAL QUARTER See, this is
what happens when drivers take the $13.95-a-day collision
coverage.

SKECHERS INKS DEAL WITH CHRISTINA AGUILERA The pop star will be
exclusively promoting its new line of footwear, Air Hos.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Toto.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG