The Show

Good to be here. Just wondering. Do you think, for daylight
savings, Grady Little will set his clocks back four batters?

WORLD SERIES: FISH OR CUT BABE Are you like me? Are you praying
the Jeter-Steinbrenner Visa ads are best-of-three?

Marlins World Series tickets sold out in three hours. Team
officials in Miami attribute that to Internet purchases and heavy
walk-up sales. Or is that walker-up sales?

Game 7 of the ALCS drew a 73 share in Boston. That means 73% of
the televisions in use were watching the game. I know what you're
thinking, but technically a TV being thrown out a window during
Aaron Boone's home run trot is still "in use."

The Red Sox were confident. They had two cases of champagne
chilling in a bucket of liquid nitrogen in Arizona.

USC DEFROCKS NOTRE DAME 45-14 The Irish are now 2-4. And they're
thinking of replacing Touchdown Jesus with a mural of John the
Baptist making the call for holding.

I don't want to tell Tyrone Willingham his business, but it may
be time to break out the lucky green booster money.

Elsewhere, Oklahoma remained unbeaten after routing Missouri
34-13. On the bright side Missouri fans did not allow a postgame
sack.

Boston College president William Leahy says his school is going
to the ACC "because of academics and finances, as well as
athletics." And Miami is going there for all those reasons, plus
the more lenient judges.

ESPN reporter Michele Tafoya apologized for purposely dropping
beer on some rowdy fans while attending the Michigan-Minnesota
game on Oct. 10. Apologize? Are you kidding? Finally, something
we all want to see from a sideline reporter!

NBA PLANS SWITCH TO SIX DIVISIONS Let me guess: Atlantic,
Central, Midwest, South, Pacific and Special Victims Unit?

Kobe Bryant sat out the Lakers' preseason game against Phoenix.
Luckily, the prosecution will not be allowed to introduce any DNP
evidence.

TITANS HAND PANTHERS FIRST LOSS Just when fans in Carolina
finally realized that Jake Delhomme was not the name of a top
fuel dragster.

The Rams are undefeated at home. And for the last two weeks Kurt
Warner's wife has been calling into local radio stations and just
doing traffic and weather.

Elsewhere, the Chargers upset the Browns in Cleveland. Sounds
like Marty Schottenheimer went to the wrong locker room to
deliver his pregame pep talk.

Despite their 2-3 start the Eagles are sticking with Donovan
McNabb. He received a huge vote of confidence from Rush
Limbaugh's maid.

Rush is in a no-nonsense rehab. He's not even allowed to say,
"I'll take the Vikes 10 times."

MARIO LEMIEUX SWITCHES HIS EQUIPMENT-ENDORSEMENT DEAL FROM NIKE
TO CCM It's for two years, or six retirements.

This season NHL teams are allowed to wear their dark jerseys at
home. And barring an injunction, Red Wings fans will have their
choice of throwing octopus or squid.

Rangers G.M.-coach Glen Sather is enforcing a new rule this
season: English will be the only language spoken on the ice, the
bench and in the locker room. O.K., that's it. We have to make
helmets mandatory for coaches.

PATRIOTS BEAT DOLPHINS FOR FIRST SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER WIN EVER IN
MIAMI I think I speak for New England sports fans everywhere when
I say, "Oh, we feel MUCH better now."

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Paper Lace.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG