The Show

Good to be back. I was at Brian Billick's yard sale. Got two VCRs
for a buck.

SHAQ SAYS FEUD WITH KOBE IS OVER It must be. The other day at a
shootaround, Shaq was wearing an eight-carat diamond.

Speaking of the Lakers, technically, shouldn't Karl Malone now be
known as the Subpoena Man?

David Stern begins his 20th season as NBA commissioner ... and
his eighth year knowing a posse is not a bunch of guys on horses.

And Scottie Pippen is back with the Bulls. However, he will still
be available to the Blazers as a character witness.

MARLINS RE-SIGN JACK MCKEON And thanks to Medicare, it was only
an $8 copay.

The Marlins and Miami-Dade County have approved plans to fund a
new ballpark that would open in 2007. Wow. That gives them less
than three years to gut and rebuild the team.

If the new ballpark is built, the team promises to change its
name to the Miami Marlins. O.K., but if you really want to draw
some crowds, how about changing the name to Phish?

Elsewhere, the Red Sox' recently fired manager, Grady Little, is
enjoying the time off. Although last night he waited too long to
get take-out food.

Boston's Manny Ramirez made it through irrevocable waivers
unclaimed. Now the only way the Red Sox can get rid of him is if
they trade him and agree to assume 80% of his attitude.

FOUR OF TOP 10 FALL Help me out here. Does that make next week
Superfluous Saturday?

Virginia Tech upset undefeated Miami. Costly loss for the
Hurricanes. They have to pay the Hokies' ACC entry fee.

Boston College president William Leahy says his school is moving
to the ACC "because of academics and finances, as well as
athletics." And Miami is moving there for all those reasons, plus
the more lenient judges.

Michigan RB Chris Perry set a school record with 51 carries in
the Wolverines' 27-20 win over Michigan State. All right, who's
letting Bo Schembechler call plays?

GIANTS EDGE JETS IN OT First, the Jets were sloppy and turned the
ball over. Then the Giants blew a 14-point lead and missed a
field goal early in overtime. Fans at the Meadowlands didn't know
who to boo ... until they all settled on Jeff Weaver.

The Colts' Mike Vanderjagt is 21 for 21 in field goals. And this
is sweet. Peyton Manning now calls him "our idiot savant kicker."

Are you like me? Do you think that Broncos coach Mike Shanahan is
a day away from making a "name your price" call to Bubby Brister?

Corey Dillon missed the Bengals' win over the Seahawks after
getting in a car accident. And now he's demanding the car be
traded to Dallas.

FDA CLASSIFIES THG AS ILLEGAL STEROID So, once again, the only
legal muscle-building supplement is spinach.

THG is known as a "designer steroid." What does that mean? It
overdevelops your delts, pecs and sense of fashion?

You spend hours in the gym--trying to accessorize?

You get acne in the shape of the Polo guy?

U.S. SENATORS DISCUSS ELIMINATING BCS Of course the French want
to wait until the U.N. inspectors are finished.

P. DIDDY COMPLETES NEW YORK CITY MARATHON IN 4:14:54
Unfortunately, the remix runs 5:07:23.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy King Harvest.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG