The Show

Good to be here. Just heard about David Blaine's next stunt: He's
going to try and survive 48 consecutive hours in Butch Davis's
doghouse.

LEBRON JAMES SIGNS RECORDING CONTRACT FOR ALBUM TO BE PRODUCED BY
JAY-Z This could spawn a whole new music genre: Hype-Hop.

In other NBA news, 15 teams average less than 90 points a game.
Some suggest widening the rim to increase scoring. Hey, while
we're at it, how about redesigning the paint to include an
express lane?

New Pacers coach Rick Carlisle has implemented a 2-3 zone trap.
And that's just to restrain Ron Artest.

TCU STAYS UNBEATEN The Horned Frogs have gone 10-0 for the first
time in 65 years. In case you don't remember, in 1938 the BCS had
TCU ranked behind Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin and Notre Dame.

Of course, the coaches' poll had Notre Dame ahead of Mussolini.

Elsewhere, Miami edged Syracuse, 17-10, behind backup QB Derrick
Crudup. Brock Berlin got in for one series, and that was only
after bringing a note of apology from Kellen Winslow Sr.

FIVE TO SEVEN PERCENT OF MLB PLAYERS TEST POSITIVE FOR STEROIDS
The findings have a margin of error of plus/minus two Cansecos.

Dick Pound, chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency, called
baseball's policy on steroids a "complete joke." I don't want to
nitpick, but if you're the head of the World Anti-Doping Agency,
shouldn't you change your name to Dick Kilo?

All major leaguers will now be subject to testing completely
random and arbitrary. Sounds like a job for QuesTec.

Here's the new punishment system: First offense, you must undergo
treatment. Second offense, 15-day suspension and $10,000 fine.
Third offense, special guest appearance on ESPN's Playmakers.

GREEK GOVERNMENT GIVES PROSTITUTES GO-AHEAD TO WORK DURING NEXT
YEAR'S OLYMPICS O.K., now that that's out of the way, we can get
down to the minor stuff--like building the venues.

The prostitutes are ready. They've ordered condoms in the colors
of the Olympic rings.

You know what's great about prostitutes at the Olympics? No
matter what nation you're from, they let you finish first.

In other Olympic news, transsexuals will be allowed to compete in
the Games. But only in pairs skating.

BENGALS MAKE CHIEFS PAST PERFECT Cincinnati gave K.C. its first
defeat, 24-19. Everyone contributed: Peter Warrick scored two
touchdowns, and Nick Buoniconti had six tackles.

Elsewhere, the Eagles debuted black jerseys in their win over the
Giants. Hmmm. Black jerseys. Wonder if the media wants them to
succeed?

Drew Bledsoe was sacked four times in the Bills' loss to the
Texans. In fact, Bledsoe's been hit so much the last month, he
was made an honorary Liza Minnelli husband.

Broncos RB Mike Anderson was given a four-game suspension after
testing positive for marijuana. On the injury report he's listed
as "doubtful, man."

Anderson claims he tested positive only because he inhaled
secondhand smoke. Who's this guy being represented by, Jacoby and
Snoop Dogg?

ANDY RODDICK TO STAR IN REALITY SHOW Gripping television. Every
week viewers can vote off another visor.

LEVITRA TITLE SPONSOR OF SKINS GAME Maybe it's me, but I don't
think I'm going to hear the phrase, "He's got about an 18-footer
..." the same way ever again.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Styx.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG