The Show

Did you see Glen Campbell wearing a Diamondbacks jersey in his
DWI mug shot? Are you like me? Were you afraid he was
compensation in the Curt Schilling deal?

MICHAEL VICK RETURNS TO FALCONS LINEUP Now Dan Reeves can switch
from Prozac back to Zocor.

Elsewhere, the Ravens beat the 49ers. And I don't get this. After
the game Paul Tagliabue ordered Brian Billick to take 39 seconds
less in the shower.

All four teams that played on Thanksgiving wore throwback
jerseys. And Jerry Jones wore his original face from Super Bowl
XXVII.

Fox's holiday pregame show featured a segment, The Making of a
Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. Jillian Barberie did the interviews,
and Keyshawn Johnson gave a tour through a silicone plant.

The league chastised Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil after he promised
a bottle of wine to Morten Andersen if he kicked a game-winning
field goal against the Raiders, saying it constituted a
performance bonus. Not only that, if you remove the cap, it's 15
yards.

And in a 60 Minutes interview, Lawrence Taylor said that he sent
call girls to opponents' hotel rooms the night before games. I'm
no defensive coordinator, but I believe that's called a pimp
fake.

LSU CRUSHES ARKANSAS 55-24 The Tigers have an outside shot to
vault over USC and into the national title game against Oklahoma,
thanks to a brand-new BCS criterion: quality Mark Claytons.

By the way, who came up with the SEC tiebreakers, William H.
Donaldson?

CURT IS NOW IN SESSION The Red Sox and Schilling were never far
apart. Although QuesTec claims their first offering was way
outside.

The Diamondbacks wanted Alfonso Soriano and Nick Johnson from the
Yankees but ended up dealing their ace to Boston for three
unproven pitchers and another player. I think I speak for Jerry
Colangelo when I say, "George Steinbrenner, you've been punk'd!"

Meanwhile, the Rangers face a dilemma. Trade Alex Rodriguez for a
player of less value or get President Bush to host a fund-raiser
to pay the rest of his contract.

NHL FIGHTING UP 30% Things are getting out of hand. Every penalty
box is now a timeshare.

The other night I saw a dozen guys pull sweaters over their
heads. Turned out to be embarrassed Capitals fans.

The Rangers may acquire Jaromir Jagr. All that's holding up the
deal is whether or not there's enough room behind the bench for a
baccarat table.

BULLS TRADE JALEN ROSE TO RAPTORS I feel so foolish. I thought
the Jalen Rose trading deadline was Jan. 15.

Disneyworld has come up with a new promotion honoring the Orlando
Magic: the "L" ticket.

And the Seven Dwarfs are this close to replacing Doc with Mike
Fratello.

NEW SPORTS DRINK, ACCELERADE, HITS THE MARKET Accelerade is
"protein-spiked." It's available in two flavors: orange-cheese
and salmon-lime.

DAVID BECKHAM AWARDED OBE BY QUEEN ELIZABETH It was a formal
event at Buckingham Palace. Beckham wore a top hat and tails, and
Prince Charles didn't hit on him.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Redbone.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG