The Show

Finally saw Cold Case last week. What a ripoff. Not one word
about Ted Williams.

KANSAS STATE LEAVES OKLAHOMA AT BIG 12 ... AND 1 You know, if ABC
had any sense of humor, it would have renamed the BCS selection
show "a very special episode of Less Than Perfect."

Apparently, the only way the Sooners weren't going to the Sugar
Bowl is if they'd lost to Dartmouth.

I kept switching back and forth to LSU-Georgia. And I swear at
one point I heard Verne Lundquist say, "Remember, this is best of
seven."

Army became the first Division I team to go 0-13. However, Donald
Rumsfeld is still insisting they have enough manpower.

MAGIC GOES 1-19 If the team continues at this pace, it will be
mathematically eliminated from the Eastern Conference playoffs by
Memorial Day.

The Knicks are on a five-game Western road trip. They better be
careful. The parts warranty on Antonio McDyess is void in Oregon
and Utah.

Just got the latest version of Microsoft Word. Unbelievable. If
you press CTRL + Z, it automatically prints "another Blazer
arrested."

STILL 186 FREE AGENTS AVAILABLE The Yankees have offers out to
everyone except Albert Belle, Tony Fossas and Sidd Finch. (And
that's because Brian Cashman can't find a current phone number
for Finch.)

The Reds' Great American Ballpark will have $20 million of
construction during the off-season. Or $19.5 million more than
Carl Lindner will spend on free agents.

PATS PLOW DOLPHINS FOR AFC EAST TITLE Actually, Foxboro Stadium
was in good condition despite the blizzard. A quick-thinking
ground crew had the field covered until just before game time
with Ted Washington's road jersey.

Elsewhere, Indianapolis edged Tennessee in a battle for first
place. The Colts are now 10-3 and in danger of not collapsing for
the first time in three years.

More than 19 million viewers watched the Lawrence Taylor
interview on 60 Minutes, the show's biggest audience since 2000.
CBS was so impressed, they're thinking of giving LT his own
series, Everybody Loves Rehab.

Advertising experts say the Rush Limbaugh controversy has done
wonders for Donovan McNabb's marketability. Forget that, what
about what Limbaugh has done for the marketability of OxyContin?

Bill Callahan recently called the Raiders "the dumbest team in
America" after their loss to Denver. Hey, wait a minute, I think
the Buccaneers may have something to say about this.

And speaking of dumb teams, what about Paris Hilton and Nicole
Richie?

What about Paris Hilton and anyone?

BUSH HOSTS WINSTON CUP DRIVERS Nine out of the top 10 finishers
showed up at the White House. Jeff Gordon had to drop out at the
last minute.... Gear box problems.

The President made a big NASCAR entrance. He arrived in the
pocket of a tobacco industry executive.

One embarrassing moment. Bush asked Bill France why his country
didn't support the war in Iraq.

INSTANT REPLAY CELEBRATES 40TH ANNIVERSARY Coincidentally, it's
also the 40th anniversary of the first husband who said, "Honey,
just let me see this one more time, I swear."

Did I say "husband"? I meant ex-husband.

MADDEN 2004 WINS TOP PRIZE AT FIRST-EVER VIDEO GAME AWARDS The
awards were televised on Spike TV. I missed the ceremony. Is it
true there was a huge protest out front from the anti-"Abort
Game" people?

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Soft Cell.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG