The Show

Good to be here. I don't want to pile on, but are you wondering
if Grady Little would have left Saddam in the mud hut just a
little longer?

BCS PROMISES TO MAKE CHANGES FOR NEXT SEASON What, they're adding
a swimsuit competition?

Are you like me? Are you thinking if the BCS were in charge of
all big TV matchups, Trista would have married Ryan Leaf?

Elsewhere in Bowl Land, TCU declined an invitation to the GMAC
Bowl because it conflicted with the school's exams schedule.
Look, if you don't want to go to Mobile, you've got to come up
with a more believable excuse than that.

George O'Leary was named head coach at Central Florida.
Apparently the search committee was very impressed with his last
three jobs: defensive coordinator for the Vikings, Supreme Court
justice and CEO of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.

COWBOYS BLANK SKINS 27-0 Washington QB Tim Hasselbeck was 6 for
26 with four interceptions for a 0.0 QB rating. Steve Spurrier is
thinking of replacing him next week with Lisa Ling.

The Cowboys are now 9-5. But Bill Parcells still refuses to use
the "p word." Peroxide?

Bruce Smith helped design a limited edition coin commemorating
his NFL career sack record. I haven't seen it, but I assume
former Jets quarterback Ken O'Brien is on tails.

RASHEED WALLACE APOLOGIZES FOR OBJECTIONABLE REMARKS During an
interview with The Oregonian, Wallace accused the NBA of racism
and exploiting its players. I'm going to give him the benefit of
the doubt and assume this was his answer to the question, "What's
the deal with Steve Nash's hair?"

Seattle center Jerome James was benched for a game after he fell
asleep during a film session. Here's the sad part. The film was
Ray Allen in He Got Game.

And for the next five games the front of his jersey will be
changed to read somnics.

The 76ers will try to break the record for the world's largest
gathering of Santas at their Dec. 22 game against Orlando.
Remember, this is Philly, so at the very least they'll set the
record for most Santas booed.

You know the best part of getting a lot of Santas together in one
place? Elf hookers.

BASEBALL EXECS MEET AT A NEW ORLEANS MARRIOT Although the Expos'
brass had to spend a couple of days at the El San Juan.

The Yankees acquired Kevin Brown from the Dodgers for Jeff Weaver
and a minor leaguer. I was shocked. The Yankees still have
someone left in the minors?

Come on. The Joads had a more promising farm system.

Brown is thrilled. He's excited about finally getting the
opportunity to be on an American League disabled list.

Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra is still the subject of trade
rumors. So far only two teams are interested: Los Angeles and a
Japanese expansion franchise, the Mia Hamm Fighters.

PROFESSIONAL LACROSSE PLAYERS ASSOCIATION STRIKE NOW IN WEEK 2
Unfortunately you can't read the picket signs because they keep
cradling them.

MIKE TYSON FIRES MANAGER SHELLY FINKEL He now gets all his advice
from a yam that looks like Cus D'Amato.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Nick Gilder.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG