The Show

Good to be back. Tried to TiVo the Humanitarian Bowl. Ended up
with two hours of the Dalai Lama getting tips from Pete Weber.

USC ROSES UP, OVERWHELMS MICHIGAN O.K., anyone still think
there's no pro-level football in the L.A. area?

I don't want to say the BCS is embarrassed, but its next meeting
is in Saddam's spider hole.

The USC defense had nine sacks. One more and John Navarre would
have had to legally change his last name to Bledsoe.

LSU won the Sugar Bowl 21-14. Are you like me? At the last minute
were you worried Oklahoma would still finish No. 1, based on
"quality losses"?

Nobody went away empty-handed from the Superdome. The Tigers took
home the AT&T National Championship trophy, and the Sooners got
1,000 anytime minutes on Joe Horn's end zone cellphone.

COLTS BUCK BRONCOS 41-10 You know that playoff monkey on Peyton
Manning's back? It had five catches for 110 yards and a
touchdown.

Green Bay edged Seattle in OT. The Seahawks were trying to win
their first postseason game in nearly 20 years. To give you an
idea how long ago that was, in 1984, Steve Largent was still
allowed to go to his left.

The Titans beat the Ravens on a last-minute field goal by
44-year-old Gary Anderson that just cleared the crossbar.
Fortunately, just before the kick Baltimore cops stopped Art
Modell when he tried to move the goalpost back ... to Cleveland.

Ravens offensive tackle Orlando Brown was called for two costly
personal fouls. But this was nice. Each time the refs let him
throw the flag.

Carolina routed Dallas 29-10. John Fox anticipated Bill
Parcells's offensive and defensive tendencies so well that ABC
offered him a spot on Celebrity Mole.

You know it's that time of year in the NFL. We go from 12 to
eight to just four. I'm talking about head coaches who still have
jobs.

Steve Spurrier resigned after just two years with the Redskins.
Does that now make it the Fund 'n' Gone offense?

No names have been mentioned as a successor in Washington,
although Howard Dean insists he is the front-runner.

STARBUCKS NOW THE OFFICIAL COFFEE OF MADISON SQUARE GARDEN You
can get anything to go ... except Charles Dolan.

Try their new menu item: salary cappuccino.

COYOTES' NEW LAIR OPENS Glendale Arena is a gorgeous,
state-of-the-art NHL facility. Which means there'll be no
obstructed views of next year's lockout.

So far the new rink has been getting rave reviews in every
department--except for the ice surface. So, just to be on the
safe side, Wayne Gretzky hired a couple of lifeguards from the
pool at the BOB.

GATORADE TO INTRODUCE ESPN-FLAVORED DRINK I believe they're
calling it Outside the Limes.

ESPN-flavored Gatorade. Odd combination. It tastes like lemon,
but smells like cross-promotion.

STEINBRENNER GIVEN CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH Doctors are still
wondering what caused the Yankees' owner's fainting spell.
They've narrowed it down to low blood sugar, poor circulation or
the phrase $48.8 million in revenue sharing.

BEN AFFLECK TO PORTRAY FAMED TEXAS WESTERN COACH DON HASKINS And
how's this for a coincidence? Big Daddy Lattin is his nickname
for J. Lo's butt.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy The Honeydrippers.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)