The Show

Good to be here. I know I'm early, but I already put down my
first Super Bowl bet. I took CBS, minus 2 1/2 men.

PATS REIN IN COLTS 24-14 Are you like me? Are you wondering if
Peyton Manning has called an audible on his vacation plans?

Manning tossed four interceptions and completed only three passes
to Marvin Harrison for 19 yards. Hell, Greg Gumbel had more
success throwing it to Bonnie Bernstein.

In the NFC final the Panthers beat the Eagles 14-3. Carolina is
going to the big dance. Here's what I don't get. Matt Doherty is
taking credit for recruiting both starting guards and the center.

See the game? Let me tell you something: Ricky Manning Jr. is
making everyone forget about Ricky Manning Sr. I don't mean that.
What I mean is, he's making everybody say, "Who the hell is Ricky
Manning Sr.?"

For the third straight year the Eagles fell one game short. But
this is nice. They'll still be given a ticker-tape parade
downtown. Downtown Buffalo.

In other football news, NBC will air three episodes of Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy opposite the Super Bowl. You know, if NBC
were really smart, the Fab Five would show up unannounced at Matt
Millen's pad.

New Redskins coach Joe Gibbs is already getting his staff
together. Gregg Williams will be his defensive coordinator, Joe
Bugel the offensive line coach, and Tony Stewart will start
fights in practice.

ASTROS FANS OVER THE MOON FOR ROCKET Roger Clemens signed a
guaranteed one-season deal for $5 million. He wanted to stay at
home, but his wife offered only $4 million, and that's with
performance clauses.

Clemens was retired for 78 days. And it's that kind of serious
commitment to leisure that's earned him the respect of Sugar Ray
Leonard.

Last week in San Francisco workers took down the 10-foot-high
letters that spell out pacific bell park. What do you want to bet
some idiot was in a raft with a butterfly net waiting to catch
them?

WIZARDS FORWARD CHRISTIAN LAETTNER SUSPENDED FIVE GAMES FOR
VIOLATING LEAGUE DRUG POLICY The suspension was actually for 15
games, but because it's his first offense, the other 10 will be
served by Roy Tarpley.

Meanwhile, LeBron James filmed a guest appearance on the sitcom
My Wife and Kids. And ABC was so impressed, they're now
developing a comedy series for LeBron, According to Gym.

MICHELLE WIE MISSES PGA CUT BY ONE STROKE She's 14 years old.
Fourteen! Bernhard Langer has stood over putts longer.

In the end, it worked out for the native Hawaiian. Had she made
the cut at the Sony Open, it would have interfered with her
Saturday plans: returning punts at the Hula Bowl.

JOHN MCENROE ADMITS HE UNWITTINGLY TOOK STEROIDS FOR SIX YEARS
DURING PLAYING CAREER What a shame. I hate to think he achieved
his violent mood swings artificially.

McEnroe is getting his own talk show on CNBC. Pretty shrewd move
by the network. They're hoping the yelling will drown out Bill
O'Reilly.

Busy week for Mac. He also signed with Kellogg's. He will promote
its soy-based cereal, Smart Start, and his own brand, Rice
Krankies.

HOCKEY NEWS RELEASES ANNUAL 100 MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN HOCKEY
Big surprise at No. 4: Barry Melrose's mousse importer.

JORDANS, D.C.-AREA RESTAURANT OWNED BY MJ, CLOSES AFTER TWO YEARS
It was either that, or change the name to Jerry Steakhouse.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Lipps, Inc.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG