The Show

If I seem a little peeved, bear with me. They cut me out of
Miracle. I played the sportswriter who asked Herb Brooks, "Hey,
how about giving Steve Janaszak a shot in goal?"

REPRIMAND FOR A HEAVYWEIGHT Bob Knight escaped suspension after
getting into a public dispute with Texas Tech chancellor David
Smith. The argument erupted at a local supermarket salad bar.
Pretty heated exchange. They had to replace the sneeze guards
three times.

But thanks to anger management, the only time Knight raised his
hands during the incident was when he waved to the manager for
more imitation crabmeat.

At one point there was an ultimatum: Either take a five-day
suspension or be fired. Can a coach say that to a chancellor?

Elsewhere in college basketball, good seats are still available
for St. John's-Georgetown. Yeah, there's at least six on the Red
Storm bench.

SUPER BOWL HALFTIME BACKLASH CONTINUES That's right, backlash. I
wanted to use the word fallout, but this is a family column.

Meanwhile, you know what brother you're hearing a lot about all
of a sudden? TiVo Jackson.

More than a million fans showed up for the Patriots' second Super
Bowl victory party in three years. In a related story, Buffalo
Bills safety Lawyer Milloy got $20 off on a Toro snowblower.

Dan Marino resigned as senior V.P. of the Dolphins after less
than three weeks on the job. Wow. He worked longer on Ace
Ventura.

Buccaneers defensive end Simeon Rice was dropped from the NFC Pro
Bowl squad for disciplinary reasons. And how better to make an
example of a player than a free week in Hawaii without pads?

DREW HENSON RUNS OPTION His decision to quit baseball and pursue
a football career came the day after the Yankees invited only his
left ACL to big league camp.

Meanwhile, Aaron Boone may forfeit his $5.75 million salary
because he tore knee ligaments playing basketball, which is
forbidden in his contract. So, he's thinking about telling
Steinbrenner he hurt himself tripping over Jeff Kent's
motorcycle.

ESPN CANCELS PLAYMAKERS So now if you want to see a bunch of guys
who are prone to infidelity, racism and homophobia, you'll have
to start watching C-SPAN.

The controversial drama will be replaced by a new show, Pardon
the NFL Interruption.

Despite strong ratings and critical acclaim, ESPN decided against
a second season after considering the objections of the NFL. Man,
I haven't seen a cave-in like that since Charles Bronson's in The
Great Escape.

LENNOX LEWIS RETIRES And, in accordance with WBC rules, he will
be stripped of his title and given 60 days to come up with a
design for a grill.

Lewis made his announcement during a live press conference from
the space above Vitali Klitschko's eye.

Lewis had fought only two times in the last 20 months. And one of
those fights was with a telemarketer.

JEREMY ROENICK WINS SHOOTING-ACCURACY TITLE AT ALL-STAR SKILLS
COMPETITION The Flyers forward nailed a perfect 4 for 4. Four
refs, four water bottles.

Elsewhere in the NHL there was a rumor that Avalanche general
manager Pierre Lacroix tried to arrange a private Celine Dion
concert for the G.M. meetings in Las Vegas. Hey, speaking of the
theme from the Titanic, how are those labor talks going?

JUDGE CLEARS MAURICE CLARETT TO ENTER NFL DRAFT This really sets
a dangerous precedent. Now my nephew wants to have his bar
mitzvah at the scouting combine.

NBA EXPECTED TO OFFICIALLY CLASSIFY THG AS A BANNED SUBSTANCE
NEXT SEASON Until then, it's still listed as a side dish.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the DeFranco Family.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG