The Show

Are you excited about The Bachelor with Giants quarterback Jesse
Palmer? I can't wait for this exchange: "Do you have protection?"
"Not unless we draft Robert Gallery."

NCAA PRESIDENT MILES BRAND DOES NOT THINK FINAL FOUR HAS BECOME
TOO COMMERCIALIZED Here's my question: Did he say that before
Cingular at the Half or just after the Dasani Sideline Report?

Not too commercialized? Come on. My finals bracket had Papa
John's versus DiGiorno.

Georgia Tech reached the final despite disappointing
contributions from its stars. In fact, I thought all the CBS
promos for Without a Trace were referring to B.J. Elder's
offense.

MAJOR LEAGUE UMPIRES MAY JOIN UP WITH TEAMSTERS So get ready for
five-man crews: home plate, three bases and one guy holding a
flashlight for no reason.

Teamster umps. And you thought Steve Trachsel slowed up games.

Are you like me? Do you figure six months from now, they'll find
a QuesTec machine buried in the west end zone at Giants Stadium?

DEVIL RAYS AND YANKEES SPLIT IN TOKYO The Yankees made an
estimated $20 million for the two games. Great. That covers A-Rod
until Memorial Day.

It wasn't all good news. The day after the teams returned, Jason
Giambi tested positive for wasabi.

Did you see that Ricoh patch the Yankees were wearing in Japan?
The Ricoh patch. What's that for, when you need to cut back to
two rolls of film a day?

Meanwhile, President Bush threw out the first pitch at the
Cardinals' opener. I heard it was a preemptive strike.

You know what's sad? Richard Clarke is claiming Bush was supposed
to be there three years ago.

Elsewhere, Dick Cheney threw out the first pitch at the Reds'
opener. Cincinnati catcher Jason LaRue said he had nice movement
but undisclosed location.

NFL VOTES TO EXTEND INSTANT REPLAY FIVE MORE YEARS The (slow)
motion passed almost unanimously. The only votes against were
from Kansas City, Indianapolis and Justin Timberlake.

Also during the owners' meetings, commissioner Paul Tagliabue was
offered a three-year contract extension, which would raise his
yearly salary from $5 million to $8 million. Unfortunately, his
celebration lasted too long, and he now has to walk an additional
15 yards to the bank.

LAKERS WIN 11 STRAIGHT, SURGE INTO FIRST IN WEST Kobe Bryant was
named Western Conference Player of the Month. See what happens
when all those little distractions are out of the way?

Three life-sized bobblehead dolls of Shaquille O'Neal are selling
at the Staples Center gift shop for $25,000 apiece. Sure, it
sounds like a bargain, but it balloons up to 400 pounds in the
off-season.

The doll is incredibly lifelike. If you put it behind the free
throw line, the head bobbles from side to side.

Allen Iverson will miss the rest of the season with pain in his
right knee. But doctors are confident he'll be 100% in time to
skip the first Dream Team practice.

RUMORS FLY THAT U.S. POSTAL SERVICE MAY DROP SPONSORSHIP OF U.S.
PRO CYCLING TEAM It won't be official until you see the sign on
the back of Lance Armstrong's bike: next window, please.

NEW LOGO UNVEILED FOR IRAQ'S OLYMPIC TEAM Pretty clever. It's the
five Olympic rings, joined together by two welders from
Halliburton.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Floaters.

Bill Scheft is the creator of the Rotisserie League of Women
Voters.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG