The Show

Good to be here. Just wondering: If David Beckham gets a red
card, does he have to sit out his next two women on the side?

NFL DRAFT: SAN DIEGO TAKES DICTATION WELL Shrewd move by the
Chargers. In exchange for top draft pick Eli Manning, San Diego
received Philip Rivers and three Giants picks and got Archie
Manning to assume custody of Ryan Leaf.

Archie may be getting a little drunk with power. Sunday he flew
to Florida and ordered Anna Kournikova out of her parents' house.

Promising weekend at Madison Square Garden for New York teams.
The Giants bagged Manning, the Jets upgraded with Jonathan Vilma
and Isiah Thomas didn't file a protest about the clock.

Once again, Mel Kiper Jr. was a little overprepared. Come on. Did
we really need his list of Best Available Supreme Court Justices?

The Patriots came in looking for help at cornerback. Makes sense.
Ty Law allegedly did only a 4.75 running from the Miami police.

The University of Miami set a record when six Hurricanes went in
the first round. Nice to have that many Miami football players
picked out of something other than a lineup.

Maybe I dozed off late in round 1 and dreamed this, but I could
have sworn I heard Kenechi Udeze pick up the phone and say, "No,
what are you wearing?"

RED SOX SWEEP YANKEES New York scored four runs in three games.
Sad. The only one at Yankee Stadium hitting after the seventh
inning was Ronan Tynan, the Irish tenor.

The Blue Jays are off to their worst start in history. Experts
believe the only way Toronto will win a seventh game in April is
if it's played against Ottawa.

Elsewhere, business at the Orioles shop at Camden Yards is up 20%
from last year. The biggest-selling item is the Peter Angelos
Radar Detector, which starts screaming any time the Expos come
within 50 miles of Washington, D.C.

New York City is raising money by selling old seats from Yankee
Stadium. Three seats together went for $1,500, plus whatever Joe
Pepitone charges for delivery.

PACERS SPREADING NO. 1 SEED Before getting swept, the Celtics
suffered their worst home playoff loss in history in Game 3. They
were so overmatched, midway through the second half Danny Ainge
tried to break into the NBA office and sneak 10 Ping-Pong balls
into the lottery machine.

I must have missed a memo from David Stern's office. Is
Nets-Knicks best-of-seven digs?

Knicks forward Tim Thomas called the Nets' Kenyon Martin "a
fugazy guy," a slang term for fake used in the movie Donnie
Brasco. Speaking of going undercover for years, has anybody seen
Dikembe Mutombo?

Jamal Mashburn was sent home by the Hornets after he complained
that the team had mishandled his medical care in New Orleans.
Apparently he had his knee scoped twice by Emeril.

SHARKS GO UP 2-0 ON AVALANCHE They're confident in San Jose. The
HP Pavilion ordered enough toner to laser-print tickets for the
Cup finals.

JOCKEYS FILE SUIT TO WEAR ADS AT KENTUCKY DERBY This is wrong.
You can't deprive Jose Santos of the chance to be the AOL
Messenger guy.

VITALI KLITSCHKO TKO'S SANDERS TO WIN VACANT WBC TITLE And how's
this for handy? The championship belt folds up and fits in the
hole Lennox Lewis opened over his eye.

My time is up. You've been great.

Enjoy Ace.

Bill Scheft is working on a four-part investigative series, "Is
the Powerball Juiced?"

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG