The Show

Before we begin, did you hear about the seven-year-old
skateboarder who signed an endorsement deal with Mattel? A
seven-year-old pro skateboarder. What's his name, Freddy A-dude?

NOT SO FAST, SISTER. SHARAPOVA SCORES WIMBLEDON UPSET Blonde,
Russian and beautiful. During her straight-set triumph over
Serena Williams, Maria Sharapova had 17 winners, and two million
unforced hits on the Internet.

Last Thursday a young lady ran naked across Court 19 before a
linesman covered her with a towel. I believe that's the farthest
a British woman has advanced during the second week since
Virginia Wade.

In the men's final Roger Federer defended his title over Andy
Roddick. The crowd was not exactly rooting for the American. At
one point his only allies were Brad Gilbert and Tony Blair.

I don't want to say Federer is a machine on the court, but this
summer he's playing for the Davis Cup team from Stepford.

STAPLES CENTER WON'T BECOME COACH K'S CORNER The Lakers' attempt
to hire away the Duke coaching legend got off to a rocky start.
Mitch Kupchak had such trouble spelling his last name, he wound
up offering $40 million to Mike Krushelnyski.

Shaquille O'Neal has put his Beverly Hills home on the market for
$7.5 million, $6.5 million if you agree to take Travis Knight.

The place has its own movie theater. The bad news is the
projector has been programmed to show only Kazaam.

Elsewhere, the Rockets got Tracy McGrady in a blockbuster trade
with the Magic. The Rockets presented T-Mac with a customized
away jersey. It says HOUSTON on the front and HOISTIN' on the
back.

MLB SERVES UP "NATURAL RIVALS WEEKEND" IN INTERLEAGUE PLAY And
seriously, is there anything more natural than Toronto-Montreal
in San Juan?

Among the "natural rivals" matchups: Detroit at Colorado. Help me
out here. Did Kris Draper get hit hard?

Earlier in the week the Yankees swept the Red Sox at the Stadium.
Dick Cheney was at the opener. He spent the entire game deciding
whether to invade Miguel Cairo.

I'm starting to worry about Cheney. He insists there's a
connection between Saddam Hussein and Al Nipper.

Jason Giambi and Kevin Brown have been sidelined with intestinal
parasites. These parasites are very aggressive. Doctors believe
they're distant cousins of Scott Boras.

Barry Bonds was given a surprise party for his 40th birthday.
Twenty close friends and relatives hid under his hat.

Congratulations to Randy Johnson, who got his 4,000th career
strikeout. The Diamondbacks want Johnson to go into the Hall of
Fame wearing an Arizona cap ... but with his Mariners mullet.

STEPHEN AMES TOP PERFORMER IN CIALIS WESTERN OPEN Remember, at
the Cialis Western Open, if you play a round that lasts more than
four hours, please consult your doctor.

Earlier in the week Tiger Woods and his former coach Butch Harmon
ended their feud. It was an amicable patch-up. They agreed to
swing with other people.

SIX WNBA PLAYERS APPEAR ON WHEATIES BOX If you want to make it an
official WNBA breakfast, use a slightly smaller bowl and add
2,000 to the attendance in your kitchen.

ATHENS OLYMPIC STADIUM FLOOR TO BE FLOODED DURING OPENING
CEREMONIES Organizers are still not sure whether this is a salute
to Odysseus or insolvency.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Dexy's Midnight Runners.

Bill Scheft has been the editor of The Lance Armstrong Chafer's
Guide to France since 1996.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG