The Show

Good to be here. I missed the ESPYs. Help me out. Who won the
award for Best BALCO Chemist?

ERNIE TAKES AN "EL" AT BRITISH OPEN The world's No. 2 golfer lost
in a four-hole playoff to unknown American Todd Hamilton. Wait.
Wasn't Todd Hamilton the name of the guy who won the U.S. Figure
Skating Championships?

Tiger Woods climbed back into contention with a strong 68 in the
third round. I'm no Butch Harmon, but maybe he had to go to Great
Britain to start driving on the other side.

Troon looked a little strange. You call this a British Open?
What's with the green greens?

SHAQ ERA ENDS IN LOS ANGELES So, this explains all the black
armbands at In-N-Out Burger.

The Heat acquired O'Neal in exchange for three players and a
draft pick. Shaq is all set for South Beach. He's already changed
his free throw from brick to stucco.

Kobe Bryant decided to remain with the Lakers after the team gave
him about $30 million more than what the Clippers were offering.
It wasn't easy to come up with the money. At the last minute they
had to raid the Buss family's emergency plastic surgery fund.

IN CASE YOU WEREN'T WATCHING (AND YOU WEREN'T), AL WINS ALL-STAR
GAME Once again Major League Baseball tinkered with the All-Star
Game format. This year the leagues were playing for Randy
Johnson's home field in the World Series.

Home Run Derby winner Miguel Tejada set a record with 15 dingers
in the second round. And it might have been 30 if Roger Clemens
had been pitching.

Clemens got shelled for six runs in the first inning. Most of the
hits came off his slider. I think it was his slider. The sign was
Mike Piazza's middle finger.

The game was such a rout early on, I found myself looking past
the batter to watch Barbara Bush scarf some nachos.

Fox went nuts with cross-promotion during the game. At one point
I could have sworn I heard Tim McCarver say July 31 was the
deadline for Trading Spouses.

ATHENS SUFFERS TEMPORARY BLACKOUT City officials blamed the 104°
heat and the fact that they haven't finished the roof on the main
power plant.

Spectators at the Olympics could be removed from venues if they
wear clothing bearing logos of companies that are competitors of
the Games' sponsors. So, to recap: You can wear a sneaker bomb,
just make sure it's not K-Swiss.

World 100-meter champion Torri Edwards tested positive for the
banned stimulant nikethamide. Are you like me? Are you wondering
how they fit that little swoosh on the pill?

Track and field insiders believe there may be a new, undetectable
designer steroid that has replaced THG among sprinters. Not only
that, it has zero carbs.

ILLINOIS REPUBLICANS ATTEMPT TO DRAFT MIKE DITKA FOR SENATE RUN
Ditka a Republican? Is that one of those fine-print side effects
of Levitra?

NHL RELEASES 2004-05 SCHEDULE It's a schedule all right ... of
daily nonstop flights to Switzerland.

U.S. HIGH JUMPER AMY ACUFF TO APPEAR IN AUGUST ISSUE OF PLAYBOY
Let me guess. She's lying nude on a mattress, 6' 7 1/4" below a
wobbling coatrack.

RAPPER PERCY MILLER, A.K.A. MASTER P, CUT FROM NUGGETS SUMMER
LEAGUE TEAM Technically, doesn't this make him Master DNP?

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Free.

Bill Scheft once spent 10 minutes trying to find Kathmandu on
Teddy Atlas.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG