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Original Issue


Hey, good news. The boys at BALCO have turned their attention to a new project: developing a glue that actually seals evidence in the Kobe Bryant case.

CUBS CATCHER MICHAEL BARRETT GIVES HIS UNIFORM NUMBER 5 TO NOMAR GARCIAPARRA Not only that, he also offered to let Nomar use his Achilles any day game after a night game.

Boston fans are still dealing with the loss of Nomar. On the bright side Theo Epstein’s doctor no longer spends five minutes adjusting his gloves.

Over the last two months the Cardinals have played nearly .750 ball. St. Louis fans are so thrilled, they’re even giving Tony La Russa credit for keeping the humidity down.

DOLPHINS LOSE WIDE RECEIVER DAVID BOSTON FOR SEASON Are you like me? Are you thinking that Ricky Williams may have a little something to help Dave Wannstedt take his mind off all this?

Ricky says he may consider coming out of retirement next season, but only to play for the Raiders. Unless, of course, the NFL gets an expansion team in Jamaica.

Although Jim Fassel is working for the Ravens as a senior consultant, the Giants still have to pay him not to coach this season. Come on. That’s like paying Tiki Barber not to hang on to the ball. Oh, wait. They’re already doing that.

The NFLPA may file a grievance against the Cowboys for releasing Quincy Carter after he allegedly failed a drug test. The union would prefer he be cut the traditional way, when the team makes up an injury.

OLYMPIC VILLAGE OPENS IN ATHENS There are 2,292 apartments, and every one has those little bottles of shampoo, conditioner and Cipro.

Greek law enforcement officials have confiscated more than 100,000 illegal Olympic trinkets. Yeah, that’s the No. 1 threat to security--bootleg Lenny Krayzelburg pins.

Meanwhile, the U.S. basketball team was routed by Italy in pre-Olympic tune-up. The Dream Team has only one natural point guard and no real jump shooters. I’ve seen more depth in a Jessica Simpson line reading.

SMARTY JONES PUT OUT TO STUD What a relief. He was tired of meeting fillies on the Internet.

The syndicators are very confident of Smarty’s potential as a breeder. They’re thinking of changing his name to Seedbiscuit.

Elsewhere in horse racing, Windsong’s Legacy won the Hambletonian. The favorite, Tom Ridge, went off as a 5–2 favorite but finished eighth. So, I guess it was all a bunch of unsubstantiated chatter.

A trotter named after the head of Homeland Security. What’s next? Dick Cheney in an undisclosed sulky?

POPE JOHN PAUL II STARTS SPORTS DEPARTMENT AT VATICAN And this fall he’ll cohost a half-hour show with Keith Olbermann, Pardon the Interdiction.

The first project for the Vatican sports department: coming up with a college football ranking system that takes into account both major polls--and piety.

DENNIS RODMAN SELLS NEWPORT BEACH HOUSE FOR $3.8 MILLION CASH Rodman bought the house eight years ago for $825,000. This sale is the only thing he’s done since 1998 that’s involves the word appreciation.

BRETT HULL SIGNS TWO-YEAR DEAL WITH PHOENIX Shrewd negotiating. In case of a lockout the Coyotes have to pay all his greens fees.

My time is up. You’ve been great. Enjoy the Thamesmen.

Bill Scheft was a semifinalist in Sports Illustrated’s “Fresh Mouths” competition.