THE SHOW
(Note to reader: For the next two weeks, if you miss any of the jokes, they will be replayed at 11 p.m. on Bravo and 4 a.m. on Telemundo.)
NBC DEEP INTO 1,210-HOUR OLYMPIC COVERAGE Here's how it breaks down: 30 hours of features, 45 hours of actual events, 1,135 hours of people going through the metal detector at the Athens airport.
See the opening ceremonies? I'm so embarrassed. I thought that fabric covering all the athletes was a Salute to Masking Agents.
Greece's top two sprinters suspended after missing a scheduled drug test. And yet whoever designed Björk's dress walks the streets a free man.
Konstantinos Kenteris, the defending 200-meter gold medalist, missed the test when he was involved in a suspicious motorcycle accident. I think I know his brother, Jeff Kenteris.
In soccer, the Iraqi team scored a big upset over Portugal and then beat Costa Rica. See? All that practice kicking around the head of the Saddam statue paid off.
You can really see the American influence. The best players on the Iraqi soccer team are the preemptive strikers.
IT'S ALL P.R.: DREAM TEAM SHOCKED IN OPENER O.K., that does it. Next Olympics we send the Globetrotters.
Puerto Rico was not even favored to win a medal. The team has only one NBA player, and the rest are guys from the Sharks.
Team USA has a lot of weaknesses. I'm no Antonin Scalia, but wouldn't any judge in the country consider two weeks of Kobe sticking jumpers in Athens a form of community service?
NFL PREPARES FOR KICKOFF CONCERT AT GILLETTE STADIUM To avoid a repeat of the Super Bowl halftime show, league officials will attend all rehearsals and monitor song selection, choreography and staging. Great. So now, we can be confident that Elton John will have both feet inbounds at all times.
Here's the lineup for theconcert: Elton John, Destiny's Child, Toby Keith, Mary J. Blige and a new rap group, Run-FCC.
Meanwhile, the Browns signed their top draft choice, Kellen Winslow Jr., to the largest NFL contract ever for a tight end. They waited to announce the deal until all papers were filed with the league and Tony Gonzalez was properly sedated.
Forty million, and Winslow has yet to play a down in the NFL. Now there's a switch--a Miami player getting away with a holdup after he leaves school.
The Bucs-Bengals preseason game had to be postponed due to Hurricane Charley. In a related story Keenan McCardell is moving north of Tampa at 55 mph.
INDIANS SURGING IN AL CENTRAL The Tribe leads the majors in runs scored. What happened? Did Serrano finally learn to hit a curve?
Elsewhere Giants starter Kirk Rueter says he's been suffering from a sports hernia all season. Help me out here. Does a sports hernia occur when a pitcher keeps getting lifted?
The Royals demoted shortstop Angel Berroa to Wichita of the Texas League. I believe that makes him the first former Rookie of the Year sent to AA since Darryl Strawberry.
TERRELL OWENS MAKES LESS-THAN-VEILED REMARKS IN PLAYBOY ABOUT JEFF GARCIA'S SEXUALITY This coming from a guy who demanded a costume change.
My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Bananarama.
Bill Scheft is the creator of the new Golf Channel reality series, Last Comic Slicing.
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ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG