The Show

Still disappointed over the second-season premiere of The Apprentice. Be honest. How many of you were sure Trump was going to fire Gary Bettman?

Joe Gibbs is homecoming King
The Hall of Fame coach returned to Washington and stopped the Bucs 16-10. You can tell it's an emotional win when you see grown men blowing those giant hog noses.

The Lions won their first road game since 2000. It took a while, but Matt Millen was finally able to persuade the Ford family to remove the antilock brakes from the offense.

ABC used a 10-second delay during its opening kickoff show. Or 419 minutes, 50 seconds less than the delay NBC used from Athens.

The NFL may have been a little too cautious on opening night. For the first two quarters Tom Brady was pixilated from the waist down.

Notre Dame stuns Michigan in South Bend
It's the first time in a year and half that Touchdown Jesus has opened his eyes.

Elsewhere Southern Miss defeated Nebraska. Don't worry about Bill Callahan. His grace period extends all the way to next week's coin flip.

Miami defeated Florida State as the Seminoles blew a 10-3 lead with 30 seconds remaining. Wide right, wide left and now Why'd Chris Rix throw on third down?

The Hurricanes and Seminoles were playing for bragging rights in the newly created conference, What's Left of the Atlantic Coast.

Kuznetsova Svets it out at U.S. Open
The Russian teenager defeated countrywoman Elena Dementieva for her first Grand Slam title. Immediately after the match her orthodontist signed with IMG.

For the first time since 1986 no American man reached the semifinals at Flushing Meadow. O.K., what's Larry Brown's excuse this time?

The umpire who made several questionable calls in Serena Williams's quarterfinal loss to Jennifer Capriati was fired a day later. But she has a great shot at a gymnastics judging gig in Beijing.

The bad calls against Serena occurred the same night they were honoring Althea Gibson at Arthur Ashe Stadium. And I thought Jim McGreevey had bad timing....

Fans at Flushing Meadow were able to get their picture taken holding up a replica of the championship trophy in front of a photo of center court. And for an extra 50 bucks you got the photo and a small soda.

MLB moves first two games of Expos-Marlins series from Miami to Chicago
It wasn't totally weather related. Bud Selig just wanted to give Frank Robinson the chance to cry on Oprah.

Meanwhile, George Steinbrenner was furious that the Yankees were not awarded a forfeit when the Devil Rays arrived late in New York due to Hurricane Frances. You know, if he doesn't watch it, people are going to start thinking he's petty.

Barry Bonds became the first player to draw 200 walks in a season. I don't want to say Barry isn't seeing any strikes, but the other night, during his third at bat, QuesTec started yawning.

Don King has donated a reported $40,000 to the Republican National Committee
That's Step 1. Step 2: Try to get the Electoral College moved to the Mirage.

Gary Payton arrested on suspicion of DUI
The former All-Star was stopped after trying to back down an on-ramp on the San Diego Freeway. Sad. He's left the triangle offense, and he still can't operate in traffic.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Electric Prunes.

Bill Scheft's Aug. 16 column was used as anesthesia during President Clinton's bypass surgery.

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ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG