The Show

Good to be here. Well, Maurice Clarett never gives up. Now, he's telling people he got his car from Oprah.

Euros cash in at Ryder Cup It was over so early on Sunday, NBC cut away for the last two hours to four babes playing beach volleyball in the bunker on 17.

The U.S. trailed 11--5 going into the final day. And a desperate John Kerry vowed to cut that deficit in half by 2006.

I don't want to question Hal Sutton's pairings, but what was Davis Love III doing with Dorf?

Far be it for me to pile on about Hal, but do you really want a guy who's been married four times trying to match up people?

Phil Mickelson had a tough first day. At one point he switched equipment three times ... during his backswing.

Before the matches began, Michael Jordan was a dinner guest of the U.S. team. He said a few inspirational words, posed for photos, then took Chris Riley for $50,000 by chipping three brussels sprouts onto the dessert cart.

Chair in the air Last week in Oakland, Rangers reliever Frank Francisco was arrested for aggravated battery after he threw a chair from the bullpen and hit two heckling fans in the head. Do you see what happens when the pitcher doesn't have to bat?

Francisco was released on a $15,000 bond, which was posted by his teammates. Quite a sacrifice. Twenty players had to give up two days of meal money.

MLB suspended Francisco for the remainder of the season for throwing the folding chair. Am I too cynical if I think his fine will be paid by Vince McMahon?

I'll tell you who's upset about all this. Oakland G.M. Billy Beane. He signed that chair for $5, developed it for three years, and now it's gone.

Meanwhile, I don't know how seriously Art Howe is taking things as the lame-duck manager of the Mets. The other night he picked up the dugout phone and asked if Martha Stewart was in the pen.

And Barry Bonds finally hit 700. Help me out. Is that career homers or plate appearances in the last three seasons?

Giants turn over Skins 20--14. Despite the win, Tom Coughlin fined his offense $11,000 for not getting into the red zone early enough.

Giants team meetings begin five minutes earlier than their scheduled times. Which explains why Kurt Warner has been working on his seven-minute drill.

The Packers met the Bears at Lambeau Field. John Kerry was criticized last week for referring to it as "Lambert Field." That was only the start. Later on he called defensive end Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila "Buddy Miles."

Jeff Garcia's girlfriend is still facing assault charges over a bar fight she had with another woman Garcia dated. Terrell Owens, you have the right to remain silent.

Canada wins World Cup Pretty moving at the end, when the NHL players met at center ice to exchange handshakes and résumés.

I think I may have figured out a way to end the hockey work stoppage: replacement owners.

The owners rejected the players' last four-point proposal for a new CBA: 1) five percent salary rollbacks; 2) luxury tax; 3) revenue sharing; 4) backup goalies spending each game telemarketing.

Sports Illustrated celebrates 50th anniversary Many people don't know this, but it was the dream of Henry Luce that one day this magazine, his baby, would devote half a page every week to some wiseass making jokes.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Undisputed Truth.

Bill Scheft may have given a forged Mickey Mantle autographed baseball to Dan Rather.

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ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG