The Show

Finally saw Wimbledon. Unfortunately, I couldn't hear anything because Richard Williams was sitting behind me, whining about the line calls.

Twins win third straight AL Central title And a giddy Carl Pohlad gave them 16 cases of champagne--at cost!

Ichiro Suzuki is a virtual lock to break George Sisler's 1920 major league record of 257 hits in a season. Of course, Sisler set the record in 154 games, which means the Maris family is busy bubble-wrapping the asterisk.

This is fascinating. According to scientists, if you were to lay all of Ichiro's hits end to end, it would short-hop the leftfield wall at Safeco.

The Giants have guaranteed Barry Bonds's contract through 2006. Although, whatever happens, this season will always be considered his walk year.

Shawn Green sat out Game 2 of the Dodgers-Giants series in observance of the Jewish high holy day Yom Kippur. On Friday night, he hit a key home run in L.A.'s opening win. Of course, that night, he was playing under the name Cole Needray.

Green got tremendous support for his gesture. Telegrams, e-mails and more than 500 Koufaxes.

NFL begins certifying manufacturers whose supplements contain no banned substances Now, you can tell a supplement is NFL-approved. Just look for the picture of Bill Romanowski with the red line through it.

And the child-proof cap by Reebok.

The Pittsburgh-Miami game was moved to Sunday night because of Hurricane Jeanne. Meterologists believe the mass of high pressure will continue until Ben Roethlisberger proves he can lead the Steelers' offense.

The Broncos were fined nearly $1 million for circumventing the salary cap. Jake Plummer aside, do you have a feeling there may be other guys in that organization nicknamed the Snake?

An arbitrator ruled in favor of the Dolphins' recovering an $8.6 million bonus from Ricky Williams. Ricky may not have helped himself. He was represented at the hearing by the Zig-Zag man.

Michael Michael Michael ... Michael? Michael Jordan denied rumors he was coming out of retirement to play with Miami. He was thinking about it, but a last-minute slot opened up at the Birmingham Barons Fantasy Camp.

Jordan has been working out with Dennis Rodman. It's going well. Rodman has him concentrating on his outside Jell-O shot.

Rodman's tryout with the Nuggets was cut short because of an ingrown toenail. I believe that's the same excuse he used to get out of his marriage to Carmen Electra.

John Edwards on cover of Runner's World Not to be outdone, Dick Cheney will appear in two start-up monthlies, ICU People and Undisclosed House & Garden.

Edwards has run a marathon in 3:30. Although the swift boat veterans claim he dropped out at mile 3 with a phantom heel spur.

Tiger drops out of 84 Lumber Classic, cites fatigue Tiger told reporters he was beat, and Phil Mickelson immediately piped up, "Well, what do you expect? We had to use the Nike ball."

CBS fined $550,000 over Super Bowl halftime Half a million dollars for one boob. Wait. I'm sorry. I was thinking about Tom Arnold's salary.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy New Riders of the Purple Sage.

Bill Scheft purchased the Riddick Bowe comeback fight on Payper-Cruel.

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ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG