The Show

Bad dream last night. I was at the World Series of Poker, and I folded with A's and Cubs.

End of an Error: Baseball returns to nation's Capital

There may be trouble naming the new Washington team. The rights to Senators are owned by the Texas Rangers. And there's not enough room on a jersey for Ineffectual Bureaucrats.

Wait a minute. How about a name that captures the essence of the new franchise? The Angelos Dodgers?

Meanwhile, no disrespect to the Red Sox and the Astros, but weren't the wild-card slots already clinched by Jose Guillen and Milton Bradley?

The Angels suspended Guillen for the remainder of their season after he threw a tantrum late in a game. Not only that, the Rally Monkey is after Guillen for stealing his act.

Bradley was suspended after threatening a fan who threw a beer bottle in his direction. Turns out it was all a misunderstanding. The fan he was going after with that beer bottle was dressed as one of those blue recycling bins.

President Bush signs law establishing tougher penalties for unethical sports agents

Getting rid of sleazy agents? I don't think the economy can afford to lose another one million jobs.

The bill was promoted by Nebraska coach turned congressman Tom Osborne. It passed so overwhelmingly in the House that, at 42--0, Osborne put in his scout team.

Patriots tie NFL record with 18th straight win

Now that that's out of the way, throw a uniform on Bill Belichick and stick him in the Red Sox dugout for the next three weeks.

During the Packers' 14--7 loss to the Giants last Sunday, Brett Favre suffered a concussion then came back in for one play and threw a touchdown pass. Favre was hit so hard that for the next two series Troy Aikman didn't know what broadcast booth he was in.

3Com Park has been renamed Monster Park. I was shocked. Who knew the 49ers still had enough cap space for Charlize Theron?

In a 60 Minutes interview Bill Parcells claimed that over the years a few players have taken a swing at him. He didn't mention names, but I've got it narrowed down to 283.

The Dolphins lost running back Lamar Gordon for the season. Does anyone have Jim Kiick's phone number at the assisted living facility?

Let's continue to play the Feud!

This is getting ugly. Now Kobe is claiming Shaq paid women to keep quiet about his free throw shooting.

Kobe claimed Shaq once paid up to $1 million in hush money. But to get that kind of dough, the woman had to keep quiet and also drain a half-court jumper.

Funny Cide wins Jockey Club Gold Cup

Of course, with a gelding, any cup is for display purposes only.

Chuck Wepner moving forward with suit against Sylvester Stallone

Wepner feels he deserves a share of profits from the Rocky films. That's a switch. Wepner trying to bleed someone else.

Pigeon released at Olympics found in Romania

O.K., wake up the boys in the lab and get that bird's blood tested for Goose Growth Hormone.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Cutting Crew.

Bill Scheft has been volunteering at an NFL Suicide Pool Hotline.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION

ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG