The Show

Good to be here. Hey, great news. BALCO is six weeks away from developing a lactose-free steroid cream.

New set of Woods Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren were married last week in Barbados. Busy couple of days for Tiger. On Monday he renewed his vows with Phil Knight.

The start of the wedding was delayed. Why? Was Bernhard Langer in the twosome ahead of them?

Michael Jordan also came. It was nice MJ could find time in his schedule between not coming out of retirement and not getting any offers of ownership.

Hootie and the Blowfish performed. Tiger loves their music and loves having someone around who's been in a slump longer than he has.

Of course, security on the island was tight. Butch Harmon was detained at the airport when he kept insisting he had to go to the reception and prevent Tiger from slicing the cake.

Red Sox--Yankees: ALDS Lang Syne In the first round Twins manager Ron Gardenhire lost the lead in Game 2 when he left his closer in for a third inning. Or, as it's known among big league insiders, Grady Littleball.

I kept switching between Game 1 of the Yanks-Twins series and the vice presidential debate. At one point I swear I saw Dick Cheney get the green light on 3--0.

Yankees-Sox, Dodgers-Cards ... everywhere you turn, this country is divided into reds and blues.

Four ranked unbeaten teams fall Or, as the BCS calls it, Sigh of Relief Saturday.

Oklahoma blanked Texas 12--0. Freshman Adrian Peterson ran for 225 yards and was so dominant, Paul Tagliabue put five federal judges on speed dial.

By the end of the game the Longhorns were desperate. Twice Mack Brown asked for a measurement on Jason White's eligibility.

White is in his sixth year at OU. Even the guy on his Heisman Trophy is wearing a red shirt.

Elsewhere, Michigan edged Minnesota 27--24. There was even more at stake this year. The Little Brown Jug was filled with the flu shot vaccine.

Steelers rout Browns 34--23 Pittsburgh is unbeaten with rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger starting. He's come on so strong in the last three weeks, the Steelers' home turf is now known as Heinz Kerry Field.

A woman filed a paternity suit against Ricky Williams. Well, Ricky really wasn't kidding when he said he felt as if he had no protection.

Williams is discussing a possible return to active status in the NFL. He'll either receive a one-year suspension or go on the IR with glaucoma.

NASCAR penalizes the bleep out of Dale Earnhardt Jr. Earnhardt was fined $10,000 and lost 25 Nextel points for cursing on-air. Believe me, the punishment could have been worse. NBC could have imposed a five-second delay on his pit crew.

Dale Jr. or, as he's known, Little E. Not to be confused with Jamal Lewis: Little Plea.

Don Cherry endorsing a line of mouthguards If you're European, they leave a bad taste.

John McEnroe guest stars on The Apprentice McEnroe met with the team that won the latest task. What a coincidence. His talk-show audience is also down to the final seven guys.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Desmond Dekker and the Aces.

Bill Scheft recently completed his first Who's the Boss marathon.

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ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG