The Show

Good to be here. Sorry, but this is getting out of hand. Now Barry Bonds's trainer is claiming he put something in Tiger's yacht that would make it undetected by the Coast Guard.

So far, so bloody good The Sox are putting it all together. After two games they were hitting over .300 and fielding over .500.

Cold in Boston. The first pitch was thrown out by Ted Williams.

Curt Schilling tested his ankle before Game 2 by throwing on the side and spending a few minutes stomping on the Fox Diamond Cam.

Before suturing Schilling's injured tendon so he could pitch Game 6 of the ALCS, Red Sox team doctor Bill Morgan performed the procedure on a cadaver. Boy, I'm telling you, Teddy Ballgame is finding all kinds of ways to contribute.

As always, Fox heavily promoted its other shows. It took three games for me to realize Arrested Development was not a documentary on the Yankees' farm system.

I don't know about the Fox Right Now! box. Do we really need the pitcher, the batter, the runners on base and the status of lawsuits against Bill O'Reilly?

Auburn starts 8--0 for the first time in 10 years School officials are so excited, they've stopped secretly interviewing replacements for Tommy Tuberville until next Friday.

Elsewhere, Sylvester Croom led Mississippi State over Florida for its first conference win in more than a year. Which means the longest SEC losing streak now belongs to Martha Stewart.

Boston College upset heavily favored Notre Dame in South Bend. I know what you're thinking, but they didn't come back from being down 0--3.

Vikings roll past Titans Randy Moss did not catch a pass. Minnesota's staff is having trouble getting his hamstring to behave.

Drew Bledsoe has been sacked 23 times in the Bills' last five games. All his pants now come with a collapsing pocket.

The Raiders traded Jerry Rice to the Seahawks for a seventh-round draft choice. Other than that, the best offer was from Budweiser to have Rice back up "Leon."

Rice received approval from legendary Hall of Fame receiver Steve Largent to wear his retired number 80. And for the Seahawks game on Halloween, Jerry is planning to go as Brian Bosworth.

Ricky Williams now claims he retired because of a disputed drug test. And this is a little lame. He says the sample the NFL used was left by a friend of Carmelo Anthony's.

NASCAR considers lifting ban on hard-liquor sponsorship So, figure a couple of years, and drivers will be competing for the Nextel Tumbler.

What's the difference between hard-liquor and beer sponsorship? Fewer pit stops?

Meanwhile, driver Kirk Shelmerdine has dedicated the space on his back fenders to read bush-cheney '04. And he's renamed his back suspension the Axle of Evil.

In the last month 30 people have purchased season tickets for the Atlanta Thrashers O.K., who wants to call the Better Business Bureau?

Cavaliers give tryout to Jayson Williams It didn't go well. He kept trying to wipe his fingerprints off the ball.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods.

Bill Scheft has been allowed to keep his jokes about Olympic gymnastics judges.

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ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG