Tiger Woods: The Authorized DVD Collection ($49.99), a three-disc set hits the stores in two weeks, and while the most famous athlete on the planet doesn't need his own infomercial, here it is. In three hours and 45 minutes this set unveils precious little new information about Tiger, but it does all it can to remind us that he is a terrific golfer, a great role model for kids and an ideal corporate spokesman. The highlights and lowlights follow.
NARRATOR: Laurence Fishburne.
TALKING HEADS: Charles Barkley, Notah Begay, Bob Costas, Celine Dion, early Tiger-teacher Rudy Duran, David Feherty, Butch Harmon, Charles Howell, Michael Jordan, Jack Nicklaus, Gary Player, and Earl and Kultida Woods.
BEST BARKLEY MOMENT: Reflecting on how Tiger is now less of a nerd than he used to be.
SECOND-BEST BARKLEY MOMENT: Speculating about who's cheaper, Woods or Jordan.
KING OF DENIAL I: Slump? What slump? Tiger's struggles in 1998 and 2004 are never mentioned.
BEST ACTION: Never-before-seen video of the toddler Tiger.
FASHION FAUX PAS: Toddler Tiger in checked pants, mesh hats and frameless shades.
MOST INTERESTING VIDEO: The evolution of Tiger's swing.
FATHER FIGURE: Earl is Yoda-like and captivating, especially regarding his son's first Masters win.
KING OF DENIAL II: There's no mention of Tiger's three stepsiblings.
TIGER TALK: When an opponent makes a putt, he says he was thinking, Oh, my gosh, now I've got to make mine. Yeah, right.
MOMENT OF TRUTH: Tiger has always said that he doesn't care about scoring records, but he describes the pressure of wanting to par the 72nd hole at the 2000 British Open to break Nick Faldo's record.
BEST INSIGHT: From Howell, describing Tiger's living room, in which his three Masters trophies sit atop the TV and the cups from his five other majors are scattered about the room. "They're always out. At Christmas I think he hangs lights on them."
MISSING IN ACTION: Elin
NOT-SO-SHOCKING REVELATION: Tiger's going bald, and fast.
KING OF DENIAL III: The infamous third-round 81 in the 2002 British Open, which ended his Grand Slam bid and may have been a tipping point in his career, is never mentioned.
SKIP: The platitude-filled third disc.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Too long and not insightful enough, with too few action sequences for golf fans.
And here's the scoop on Tiger's $20 million, 155-foot floating honeymoon suite, the now ironically named Privacy.
12,000 Gallons of fuel
.33 Miles per gallon
16 Cruising speed, in knots
18 Top speed, in knots
1 Fitness room
8 Jacuzzi capacity
9 Crew members
50 Size of living room plasma TV, in inches
42 Size of master bedroom plasma TV, in inches
BUENA VISTA HOME ENTERTAINMENT INC. (DVD)
MARC SEROTA/REUTERS (PRIVACY)
Tiger loves his Privacy.