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The Show

Good to be here. Just got back from the parade. I can't tell you what a thrill it was to be with three million Red Sox fans listening attentively for the other shoe to drop.

Nomar Garciaparra voted a full Series share Don't get excited, the Red Sox also voted one to the 28-inch actor Pedro Martinez keeps by his locker.

Curt Schilling's contract called for a $2 million bonus if the Sox won the World Series. That works out to $667,000 a suture.

Free-agent-to-be Derek Lowe became the first pitcher to win three series-clinching games in a single postseason. The only way Lowe could have made more money on Fox would have been by winning The Rebel Billionaire.

The Cardinals hit .190 for the Series. Let's be honest. That little AOL guy got better hacks.

The Series was over so quickly, Tony La Russa didn't even get to double-switch his hotel room.

Steelers end Pats' winning streak 34--20 O.K., so the other shoe was a cleat....

FedEx Field has expanded to 91,665 seats. The Redskins had to handle all the overflow NASCAR fans who come out hoping to see a crash involving Joe Gibbs and Dan Snyder.

And a new Hooters restaurant was added to the club level at FedEx Field. It's a real Redskins Hooters: All the waitresses are well over the cup limit.

Dolphins receiver David Boston, who's out for the season, was arrested last week at a Vermont airport after he allegedly assaulted a 59year-old gate agent. I have a question: Can you get andro at a duty-free shop?

The NFL may not renew its contract with Madison Square Garden to host the draft. It's looking for a bigger venue, like Mel Kiper Jr.'s mousse warehouse.

NBA unlocks-out regular season The Heat will play on national TV 24 times this season. (That sound you hear is the Queer Eye guys rushing to Stan Van Gundy's house.)

Shaquille O'Neal plans to join the Miami Beach police department as a $1 a year volunteer. Shaq will head up his own crack investigative division, Thong Patrol.

Ohio State--Michigan backs out of naming-rights deal with SBC for annual football classic SBC was going to pay $1 million for the Ohio State--Michigan game for the next two years. Damn. Art Schlichter had the over at 21/2.

NCAA president Myles Brand applauded the decision to back out. Too bad. I was hoping that for the right price, he'd be Myles (Your) Brand (Here)?

Elsewhere Georgia beat Florida 31--24. I had to turn this in before Election Day. Just wondering: Were Florida voters able to get the "Deport Ron Zook" referendum on the ballot in time?

North Carolina shocked unbeaten Miami. Before this season the only experience most Miami football players had with the ACC was with the word accessory.

Paris Hilton seen with Mark Philippoussis, then Andy Roddick Makes sense. She dumped Philippoussis for a guy who could perform well on all surfaces.

Mets pitcher John Franco questioned over tickets he provided to the Bonanno crime family in early '90s That's more than 10 years ago. I guess the feds can talk to him under the Rico Brogna statutes.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy The Electras.

Bill Scheft prevented a last-minute pro-choice demonstration at the Breeders' Cup.