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The Show

Do I have this right? Ron Artest wanted two weeks off to attend Arafat's funeral?

Networks sign $8 billion extension with NFL It works out to a 25% increase per year, for fewer games. Or, as it's known at CBS, CSI: Tagliabue.

DirecTV extended its Sunday Ticket package with the league for five more years. Great. Now, I have to call some guys I know and have them blow up the southwest corner of the 17th floor of the building in front of my apartment.

Starting in 2006 the last seven matchups on Monday Night Football may be re-chosen after the season is under way. Here's the weird part. The games will be picked by a vote of the five babes on Desperate Housewives.

Before the start of the Steelers' 24--10 win over the Browns, Cleveland RB William Green and Pittsburgh LB Joey Porter were ejected for fighting during warm-ups. Why can't players settle things the old-fashioned way, with a dance contest?

The Titans dropped to 3--6 after losing in overtime to the Bears on a safety. Jeff Fisher is desperate. He's now trying to develop an offense in which two guys stay back and push Steve McNair around on a gurney.

G.M.'s conclude annual meetings in Florida By the way, this marks the official opening of trout-in-barrel hunting season for Scott Boras.

Other than the appearance of superagent Boras, the G.M. meetings were a little dull. The highlight was when the executives agreed to table the motion on whether to use instant replay on urine tests.

Free-agent pitcher Carl Pavano turned down a second offer to star in a future version of ABC's The Bachelor. I guess he didn't think he could go the distance.

Either that or the producers wouldn't let 6% of the female suitors go to Scott Shapiro.

NBA referees start their own website It's free to fans, $10,000 a minute for Mark Cuban.

The ref site is state of the art. When you hit the T button, Rasheed Wallace starts cursing.

Elsewhere the Magic is off to a good start. Forget that. We're more than two weeks into the season and Grant Hill hasn't even used up his health care deductible.

The Hawks have added four floor seats near the team bench. Some lucky fan will get to sit between Antoine Walker's personal heckler and a Realtor trying to rent Mike Woodson's house for January.

Iowa State now odds-on favorite to win Big North Wait a minute. Have all the provisional ballots been counted?

Last week two Michigan State receivers were charged after police said they planted homemade explosives on campus. I believe this is the first bomb story out of Michigan State since Tony Mandarich.

Utah ran its record to 10--0 despite playing in partial lighting due to a brownout that delayed the kickoff at Wyoming by almost two hours. Speaking of dim bulbs, when's the BCS meeting again?

Michael Phelps deals with DUI fallout Three more beers and he would have been over-the-bowl eligible.

Smarty Jones almost came out of retirement last month Here's what's odd. He was thinking of coming back to fight Evander Holyfield.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Golden Earring.

Bill Scheft recently parked a Meals on Wheels van in front of Latrell Sprewell's house