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Original Issue

The Show

Good news. Starting this week, there's a new policy at The Palace of Auburn Hills: If Pistons security doesn't arrive in 30 minutes or less, the soda dumped on you is free.

MNF opening leaves everybody skittish The NFL may be overreacting just a bit. Now they're thinking of hiring departing attorney general John Ashcroft to make sure Warren Sapp's breasts are covered at all times.

Why can't ABC have programming the entire family can enjoy, like the Vibe Awards?

Say what you will about Terrell Owens, the man runs a very disciplined cross-promotional route.

Next Monday, ABC plans to go with something safe--Bea Arthur handing Joe Gibbs a prescription for Levitra.

Despite losing to the Falcons, Eli Manning showed promise in his first start. His father, Archie, was on the phone most of the game. It was Philip Rivers begging to get him out of San Diego.

Huge suspensions for Pacers It's serious. Ron Artest has been banned indefinitely from promoting an R&B album.

Wait a minute. Is this the Artest Formerly Known as Prince?

Everybody agrees they've never seen anything like what happened in Detroit last Friday. Not the brawl and the riot--Rasheed Wallace playing peacemaker.

Vince Carter is no longer allowed to wear his iPod during warmups. Unless the MP3 is a motivational speaker chanting, "You want to stay in Toronto.... You love Toronto.... The winters are mild.... Rafer Alston is a disciplined point guard.... Tracy McGrady isn't happy elsewhere...."

Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops claims ESPN has an "agenda" that favors the SEC Hey, keep talking like that and you'll get a spot in President Bush's cabinet.

Meanwhile, Joe Paterno is starting to talk about a plan of succession at Penn State. Here's where it gets weird. He wants to coach until 2008, then turn it over to Conan O'Brien.

Hootie Johnson denied reports that Steve Spurrier would get a membership at Augusta if he takes over for Lou Holtz at South Carolina. Wouldn't it be great if Hootie had to check with his wife first?

Nationals sign Vinny Castilla and Cristian Guzman O.K., that takes care of the left side of the infield. Now, all they need is the actual infield.

Last week Pedro Martinez met with George Steinbrenner. Wait a minute. Did this receive approval from Child Services?

The Brewers signed Pat Borders to a minor league contract. Well, that certainly proves they're committed to winning--in 1994.

Lightning receives Stanley Cup rings The team picked them up in a specially designated line at the Tampa Department of Labor.

Actually, the players received the rings in the basement of the St. Pete Times Forum. And then they all left on their paper routes.

Thanks to the lockout, attendance at CFL games increased noticeably. And the new fans love that there's no red line.

New York City cites success of Republican Convention as proof it can host 2012 Olympics Yeah, once you've rigged up a decent sound system, pepper-sprayed protesters and perfected the balloon drop, you're ready for the Games.

Snoop Dogg attends USC football practice Pete Carroll had him work with Matt Leinart on the two-minizzle drahzizzle.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Asia.

Bill Scheft is cowriting Wolfgang Puck's Hot Stove Cookbook.