Happy holidays. I hate to get tough, but beginning with this column, alcohol sales will be cut off after the third joke.
Two days after being suspended, Ron Artest appears on Today The spin is everywhere. Artest was on Today, the fan accused of throwing the cup at him appeared on Good Morning America, and the chair that got tossed did an hour with Charlie Rose.
John Green, who allegedly threw the cup, is on probation and also has a conviction for carrying a concealed weapon. And how's this for a coincidence? Last week he asked his boss for time off to promote his rap sheet.
The cup purported to be thrown at Artest was briefly auctioned on eBay but was pulled from the site after someone bid $99 million. Well, that makes it official. Mark Cuban has too much money.
On the bright side it's nice to know eBay is policed better than an NBA arena.
In non-Artest NBA news, police twice used a stun gun to shock Timberwolves center Michael Olowokandi when he refused to leave a club. Seems excessive. Usually you can shock Olowokandi by giving him the ball down low.
And you can get him to leave a club for a fourth-round pick.
Fox Network buys rights to BCS bowls for $330 million Great. Now, the BCS rankings will be based on the polls, strength of schedule and The O'Reilly Factor.
Colorado will play Oklahoma in the Big 12 title game. Wait a minute. I thought the Buffs' football program wasn't going to be punished any further.
Former Washington coach Rick Neuheisel, fired last year in light of gambling allegations, was cleared of wrongdoing. After a lengthy investigation, it turns out his NCAA pool was above ground.
Browns-Bengals combine for most points in a game since the big merger Did I miss something? What merger? Is it now called NFL--Time Warner?
According to his lawyer, Ricky Williams is ready to serve a four-game suspension and be reinstated. Are you like me? Are you thinking he finally ran out of papers?
Did you see the Colts' offense in Detroit on Thanksgiving? I don't want to say it moved easily, but I was sure Peyton Manning had borrowed a conveyor belt from the Ford plant.
I won money on the Cowboys-Bears game. I took the over, 31/2 QBs.
The NFL had its own float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Sadly, the league did not have time to complete its original project, the Paul Taglia-Balloon.
Bat used by Babe Ruth to hit first HR at Yankee Stadium auctioned by Sotheby's You can tell it's the Babe's bat. The handle is still sticky from pine tar and relish.
The bat comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by the owner and by the pitcher who gave up the homer, Jesse Orosco.
The auction is loaded with rare items. A Honus Wagner card, a Tom Seaver game-worn glove and a 30-year-old grilled cheese sandwich that looks like Jesus Alou.
St. John's imposes sanctions on basketball team An NCAA investigation revealed that a former St. John's player was paid $300 a month by a member of the coaching staff. $300 a month? Come on. That's not enough to pay for a decent term paper.
Pro poker player Gus Hansen on PEOPLE's list of Sexiest Men Alive This just proves my point: Chicks dig guys who go all in on the flop.
My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Ocean.
Bill Scheft has 13 years left on his copyright for the concept "Purina Norm Chow."
ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG