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Original Issue

The Last of Carnac

Please welcome, one final time, that mysterious visitor from the East--seer, sage, soothsayer--Carnac the Magnificent, who will ascertain, in his divine and mystical way, the answers to your sports questions without ever having seen them. Are you ready, O Great One?

Carnac: May a love-starved fruit fly molest your sister's nectarines*.

A: Rednecks.

Q: What does Red Auerbach do at the drive-in?

A: Purdue.

Q: How do you pay the person who cleans up after your dog?

A: Swimsuit issues.

Q: What does Rick Majerus have every summer?

A: Puff pastries.

Q: What does Ricky Williams try to do at Dunkin' Donuts?

A: Airballs.

Q: What do Cockney cats cough up?

A: A.J. Feeley.

Q: Name one reason not to stand near A.J. Foyt on the subway.

A: Misnomer.

Q: What does Mia do when her husband is away?

A: Tedy Bruschi.

Q: List two things you see together at a Kennedy family picnic.

A: Nosetackle.

Q: What's the fastest way to bring down Barbra Streisand?

May a nearsighted sand fly suck the syrup off your short stack.

A: The can-can.

Q: Where does Bron-Bron go pee-pee?

A: Neverland.

Q: What do you say to the pilot for the New Orleans Hornets?

A: Around the horn.

Q: Where's the worst place to punch a rhino?

A: Brown-eyed girl.

Q: What did Kwame do while riding the bench?

A: Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.

Q: Recite Moses Malone's scouting report on Jack Sikma.

A: Junior Seau.

Q: What does the younger Griffey do when you step on his foot?

A: The Cat in the Hat.

Q: What does Rickey Henderson call Pope John Paul II?

A: Karl Marx.

Q: What will Carmelo Anthony soon have across 90% of his body?

May a desert weirdo lower his figs into your mother's soup.

A: Puffy Combs.

Q: What does Randy Moss use on his Afro?

A: Pats-Eagles.

Q: What does a lonely ornithologist do?

A: Chubby Checker.

Q: Describe every NHL player after the lockout.

A: Halfback.

Q: What do you get after lending Don King 20 bucks?

A: W.C. Fields.

Q: What do Europeans call Flushing Meadows?

A: Barry Bonds.

Q: What's better advice for investors who put cash under the mattress?

A: Safecracker.

Q: What do umps say to John Rocker when he slides under the tag at second?

May a sandstorm blow up during your vasectomy.

A: Boo-boo.

Q: What do Siamese twins do in Philadelphia?

A: Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye.

Q: What does Fat Albert say when leaving a room?

A: Fan clubs.

Q: What does Ron Artest keep in his trunk?

A: Minnie Driver.

Q: What did Corey Pavin lend to Ian Woosnam?

A: Tara Lipinski.

Q: What's the worst thing an athlete can do to his Lipinski?

(*Insults were originally uttered by Carnac himself, the late, great Johnny Carson. Godspeed, Carnac. May a weird holy man, a diseased yak and an unclean camel carry you into eternity.)

• For a collection of Steve Rushin's columns, go to

One final time, that mysterious visitor from the East will ascertain the answers to your sports questions without ever having seen them.