Good to be here. I've been better. Last week I was disqualified from the Bob Hope for signing an incorrect cue card.
For the first time since 1987 nobody gets to say "I'm going to Disneyworld" Although Disney is still considering airing an ad in which the Super Bowl MVP yells, "I'm going to sue Michael Ovitz!"
Anheuser-Busch decided not to air a commercial during the Super Bowl that fabricates an explanation for Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction last year. Pretty clever. They were able to pin the whole thing on the flatulent Clydesdale.
No rest for the bye week, and weary Patriots coach Bill Belichick is really beginning to feel the grind of a long season. He's so exhausted, his personal physician recommended he cut back to five minutes of evasive answers to the press.
The Eagles signed TE Jeff Thomason, who has spent the last two years working construction in New Jersey. It's already paying dividends. Yesterday he threatened to load Terrell Owens's orthopedist into a cement mixer if he didn't change his prognosis.
Owens plans to suit up for the game. He claims he has healed "spiritually." What does that mean? His ankle can sustain 200 pounds of temptation?
On a recent radio show Rush Limbaugh said, "There's no question Donovan McNabb has improved, and I'm happy to see it." I guess his maid is now scoring black-market Prozac.
Prozac is made by Eli Lilly, who didn't have nearly as good a year as his brother, Peyton Lilly.
Nine people involved in brawl at Auburn Hills meet in district court for pretrial conference And this was smart. Beer sales were cut off after the third motion.
Stephen Jackson returned from his 30-game suspension. He says he's learned his lesson: Never go into the stands without a lawyer.
Last week the Celtics had a Walter McCarty bobblehead giveaway. Unfortunately, the head only bobbles for 6--7 minutes after the game is out of reach.
Since the beginning of the New Year, the Bulls have the best record in the NBA. Did somebody say "The Gordon Rules"?
Delgado Jay-walks to Florida The All-Star first baseman's four-year, $52 million deal with the Marlins became final after he was medically cleared. Tough physical. The first test they ran was seeing if he could stand while the doctor sang God Bless America.
Delgado plans to continue his practice of not standing if the song is played during the seventh-inning stretch. Unless, of course, he's in line at the concession stand.
Serena back with a Slam at Australian Open Williams defeated Lindsey Davenport in the women's final despite losing the first set after a rib injury. I don't know if it popped out or was just trying to escape that outfit.
Lleyton Hewitt almost became the first Australian man to win his country's Open since 1976. He upset Andy Roddick in the semis after Roddick got distracted by a heckler's singing. Who knew Mandy Moore could be so vindictive?
Islanders G.M. Mike Milbury has been calling fans to apologize for the lockout And then he tries to sell them high-speed online.
Angela Ruggiero first woman to play in CHL game The two-time Olympian graduated from Harvard last June and fulfilled a lifetime goal: Piss off Lawrence Summers.
My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy MFSB.
Bill Scheft is in court with Fox over his boxing reality show, Growing Up Gatti.
ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN HENDRIX