The Show

Good to be here. I feel so foolish. I shelled out 10 bucks to see Hitch, then found out it wasn't a documentary about Kevin James's backswing.

Baseball training camps open Pitchers and catchers have reported. Position players will show up next week but have until the 26th if they're filing a defamation suit against Jose Canseco.

Canseco's book is packed with revelations. Remember the fly ball that bounced off Jose's head into the stands when he was with the Rangers? Corked!

The White House issued a statement claiming President Bush was not aware of any steroid activity while he was an owner of the Rangers. He was too busy trying to get the other MLB owners to privatize their benefits from collusion.

I hate when people try to shamelessly capitalize on someone else's success. Now, Ozzie Canseco is claiming he injected the McGuire Sisters.

During an interview on 60 Minutes, Canseco told Mike Wallace that injecting was common. No, wait. That was Wallace talking about his colorist.

Speaking of which, or not speaking of which, when is Jason Giambi going to call a press conference to apologize for the last press conference?

I'm no lab technician, but if Giambi holds a 40-minute press conference and does not use the word steroid, technically, does that make Arn Tellem a masking agent?

The Yankees denied allegations they purposely deleted the word steroid from Giambi's contract. They did, however, admit to removing the word Jeremy.

Super Bowl ratings down 1% It's amazing how sophisticated these statistics can get. According to Nielsen, Andy Reid stopped watching the game with 5:40 to go.

What a difference a year makes. The only complaint about the Paul McCartney halftime show was that Fox forgot to air the warning, "Not suitable for viewers under 50."

Donovan McNabb denied reports that he was sick to his stomach during the fourth quarter. The only thing he threw up was the pass to Rodney Harrison.

Eagles center Hank Fraley said that at one point McNabb was so ill, a teammate had to call a play in the huddle. Hmmm. How come I think that was the one play that went to Freddie Mitchell?

Lakers start off 1--5 under Frank Hamlin L.A. is an unforgiving town. Last week Paul Westhead was forced out of a Magic Johnson theater.

There are rumors that Phil Jackson may return to L.A. I think he's serious. Last week two of his chakras were looking at houses in Malibu.

Meanwhile, Toronto point guard Rafer Alston says he deserves an apology from Raptors coach Sam Mitchell after Alston was benched during a loss to the Bucks. Rafer's so unhappy, he's thinking of changing his Streetball name from Skip to My Lou to Skip Town.

Ashton Kutcher named honorary starter for Daytona 500 He was hoping to drive the pace car, but race organizers told him he had to be accompanied by an adult, or Demi Moore.

NASCAR will simulcast the Daytona 500 in movie theaters in New York City and Irvine, Calif. To re-create the whole NASCAR experience, the movie will be preceded by 10,000 trailers.

Before being named secretary of state, Condoleezza Rice was rumored to be on the short list for WNBA commissioner I don't know. Do you really think she has enough experience saying something is going well when it isn't?

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Suzy Quattro.

Bill Scheft is petitioning the NFL to revise Fred Dryer's career sack totals to include his seven seasons on Hunter.

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ILLUSTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN