The Show

See that German shorthaired pointer who won the Westminster? Pretty impressive. After the dog show he pointed out three judges using steroids.

NHL labor war produces neutral zone crap After the season was canceled last Wednesday, there was a failed last-ditch attempt at a settlement. On the bright side, it was nice to see Wayne Gretzky get into a fight without waiting for Dave Semenko.

In the event of an 11th-hour deal, the plan was for a 28-game season followed by four rounds of playoffs. Then a three-day weekend before training camps open.

Are you kidding? It got so bad between the players and the owners that by the end, Mario Lemieux couldn't be in the same room with himself.

ESPN's replacement programming has doubled the ratings of NHL games. The news is not so good for the CBC, which is having all kinds of trouble luring viewers for Saturday's Yahtzee Night in Canada.

Things got ugly within the rank and file after the union recanted on a salary cap. Reportedly, threats were issued on the NHL players-only secure website chat room. That must have been a spirited exchange.

Eh, hoser, you better keep your head up.

You're a hoser. You better keep your head up.

Eh, next game, watch out.

Hey, cementhead, there is no next game!

Oh, yah, eh.

Spring training in full swing I saw Barry Bonds's self-proclaimed ex-mistress taking some extra cuts.

Bonds's alleged former mistress claims he admitted using steroids. She got suspicious when the acne on his back formed an asterisk.

Former Red Sox outfielder Mike Greenwell says he deserves the 1988 MVP award for finishing second to pumped-up Jose Canseco. Not only that, he also wants a date with Madonna.

Terry Francona was involved in a minor traffic accident when he was rear-ended while doing a radio interview. And what are the odds of this? The guy who ran into Francona was covered by a little-known insurance company, Mutual of A-Rod.

Reggie Fowler apologizes for résumé bloopers The potential new Vikings owner fabricated portions of his bio, claiming to have played in the NFL and the CFL. Fowler actually attended training camp with the Bengals years ago. But he was cut midway through his college fight song.

The Canadian-football embellishment was easy to spot. There has never been a CFL team called the Ottawa Froghaters.

This incident shouldn't get in the way of the proposed $625 million sale. Fowler already put up a $20 million down payment and a $5 million cleaning deposit on Randy Moss's act.

NBA posting "Fan Code of Conduct" in every arena The league is serious about making the atmosphere less antagonistic between fans and players. Starting next month Latrell Sprewell will be on a seven-second delay.

During All-Star weekend, 19-year-old Josh Smith of the Hawks won the slam dunk contest wearing a Dominique Wilkins jersey from 1986. He found it in his crib. Not his house, his actual crib.

Annika Sorenstam files for divorce Not surprising. Her husband wanted her to stop playing a round with other men.

November's Pacers-Pistons brawl re-created on Law and OrderIt's all part of NBC's "Must Sue Wednesday."

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Was (Not Was).

Bill Scheft is still looking for the gum that should have been included with the swimsuit model trading cards.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION

ILLUSTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN