The Show

Good to be here. Are you like me? Ever since the Barry Bonds press conference last week, you can't get the theme for Sanford and Son out of your head?

Temple coach John Chaney suspended for rest of season It's all part of the NCAA's "Icon Busting Saturday."

During a loss to St. Joseph's the Temple coach put in a benchwarmer to purposely commit hard fouls. Chaney is still embarrassed. Of course he is. I'm sure he's thinking, Why didn't I send a goon to break John Calipari's arm in 1994?

Scientists discover previously undetectable steroid It's called DMT. Apparently its molecular structure is very similar to DMV, except the lines are much shorter.

Sprinter Kelli White claimed she was told by BALCO chief Victor Conte to make up the story that she took steroids for narcolepsy despite not having the disease. I think that was the story, but I nodded off halfway through.

Conte was one of the first bass players for Tower of Power. Of course, back then, the band was 30 pounds lighter and known as Tower of Singles Hitters.

Jose Canseco offers to take a lie detector test on Pay-Per-View I don't know about you, but I'm not plunking down any money unless there's a guarantee I'll hear the word gonad.

Canseco was planning to auction his 2000 world championship ring from the Yankees for $40,000. And for an extra $10,000 he was willing to throw in the matching electronic ankle bracelet.

Canseco canceled his book tour after an alleged death threat. Police have narrowed the suspects to 5% to 7% of the players' union.

MLB ratified a five-year contract with the umpires' union, which included a 5% raise. Meanwhile, Questec got seven years and a 10% bump.

New moon over Oakland? The impending acquisition of Randy Moss raises a serious question for Raider Nation: Can you fit one of those giant Afro wigs under a Darth Vader helmet?

Last week the NFL Network broadcast 14 hours live from the scouting combine. Don't get excited. It worked out to three hours inside the Hoosierdome, the other 11 watching Maurice Clarett cram for the Wonderlic test.

The Cowboys signed Drew Bledsoe. The deal won't be official until he passes a physical--and Bill Parcells hands Drew Henson a fielder's mitt.

Deals galore at NBA trade deadline Or, as I like to call it, the Malik Rose Parade.

The Celtics reacquired former captain Antoine Walker for Gary Payton, Michael Stewart, Tom Gugliotta and three Danny Ainge apologies to be named later.

Alonzo Mourning passed his physical with the Heat. Pretty impressive. He did 20 reps with Stan Van Gundy hanging on to his leg.

The p.r. people at Goodyear want the Pistons' Richard Hamilton to continue to arrange his braids to resemble the tread pattern of its Assurance TripleTred tire. This is nothing new. Didn't Oliver Miller used to make promotional appearances as the Michelin Man?

Gary Bettman claims he was "set up" by NHL players' union I think I speak for all hockey fans when I say, "Do what you will to us, but for the love of God, don't take advantage of Gary Bettman!"

IOC evaluation committee takes 11-hour tour of New York City And that was just the cab ride from Kennedy airport to the hotel.

USA Today publishes list of "10 Worst Jobs in Sports." Little bit of a shocker at No. 5: Men's room attendant on the Madden Cruiser.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Wonders.

Bill Scheft bid $150 on eBay to rename the ice at the FleetCenter after Ted Williams.

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ILLUSTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN