The Show

Good to be back. Are you like me? Are you waiting for Michael Jackson to say, "I'm not here to talk about the past?"

Seeds of content in NCAA hoop final Now, admit it. Don't you feel a little silly that you were ever skeptical about Matt Doherty's five-year rebuilding plan at North Carolina?

Michigan State had no answers for the Tar Heels in the second half of their semifinal. Tom Izzo was so desperate at one point he called a timeout just to watch the American Express commercial with Coach K.

Lot of surprises in the Louisville-Illinois semi. I don't want to say Francisco Garcia didn't show up, but the NCAA added another game to his eligibility.

And I thought Rick Pitino loved to press. He stayed with that half-court zone longer than he committed to the Celtics.

Enough already, play ball! That's funny. On his résumé, Elliot Pellman had Opening Day as May 4.

It turns out that Pellman, MLB's chief medical adviser, exaggerated his credentials. He claimed to have a medical degree from the State University of New York at Stony Brook when he actually attended med school in Mexico. But not just any Mexican med school, the very best. Juans Hopkins.

Elsewhere, the Orioles' medical staff is not taking any chances. They have Sammy Sosa undergoing two simulated interviews until his English is fully rehabbed.

Edgar Martinez threw out the first ball at the Mariners' opener. This is the first time the Mariners haven't had a guy in the field for him since 2001.

The Twins have a new slogan for the 2005 season: "This Is Twins Territory." Come on. How about something that reflects the Pohlad ownership: "Cheap Thrills"?

The Cardinals are serious about converting Rick Ankiel into an outfielder. Next week they're holding an open tryout for eight-foot cutoff men.

Committee on government reform wants NFL to testify about steroids That's all we need. Rep. José Serrano (D., N.Y.) claiming he has Todd Steussie's rookie card in a vault.

Steussie was one of three Carolina Panthers who allegedly filled prescriptions for steroids from a South Carolina doctor two weeks before the 2004 Super Bowl. Turned out to be a clerical error. They thought it was a buy week.

Dr. James Shortt was already under investigation for his practice--and for his local restaurant, Anabolic Wings.

The NFL drug policy is very clear: first offense, four-game suspension; second offense, six-game suspension. Twenty-third offense, you get sued by a teammate for caving in his face during practice.

Jets win bid for land on West Side of Manhattan to build stadium It's a big first step, but the deal still needs official approval from the Empire State Development Corp. And six construction executives named Nunzio.

Mayor Bloomberg claims the new stadium and surrounding development will dramatically increase convention business. Yeah, ask New Yorkers their No. 1 complaint, and they'll all say the same thing: not enough tourists.

Lakers days from being eliminated from the playoffs Or, as I like to refer to it, another out-of-court settlement.

Tom Brady to host Saturday Night Live And this is sweet. Charlie Weis is flying in from South Bend to script his first 25 jokes.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Graham Central Station.

Bill Scheft is writing a Lifetime Intimate Portrait of former Expos mascot Youppi.

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ILLUSTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN