The Show

Would the last player to leave Chapel Hill early please turn out the lights in the Dean Dome?

Auburn, baby, burn at NFL Draft weekend Or, as it was almost known at Maurice Clarett's house, Passover.

Denver took the enigmatic running back with the last selection of the third round. And Clarett ran his best-ever 40 getting to the phone.

For the first time, the draft was held at the Jacob Javits Convention Center in New York. It was such an accommodating venue, 200 Jets fans decided to stick around and heckle a trade fair.

Day One was a little boring this year. You had to wait 51/2 hours before somebody used the phrase "character issues."

The Cardinals took less than 13 minutes to make their selection. No, wait. That was the guys who chose the new pope.

Once again Mel Kiper Jr. was a little overprepared. Did we really need his list of Best Available Tara Reid Ex-Boyfriends?

Celtics rout Pacers in Game 1 It was such a runaway that in the fourth quarter Doc Rivers was able to rest his starters and waive and reacquire Gary Payton.

The Pistons and the Pacers may end up meeting in the second round. So that leaves less than two weeks for The Palace of Auburn Hills security to get the best deal on 200 yards of chicken wire.

The Mavs have reasonable postseason goals this year. They want to last longer than Mark Cuban's reality show.

ESPN grabs Monday Night Football for 2006 season Hank Williams Jr. has already changed his lyrics to "Are you ready to foot the bill for basic cable?"

Monday Night Football on cable? Well, now Nicolette Sheridan won't need the towel.

ESPN paid $1.1 billion a year for the package. Why do I think ESPN2 will be running a constant ticker during the game that will read, FOR GOD'S SAKE, TURN BACK TO ESPN!

MNF will be available on cellphones as part of ESPN Mobile. For best results set Paul McGuire to vibrate.

The ESPN Monday night games will start at 8:40. Good move. Because you can't put a price on a 10-year-old's getting to stay up on a school night to watch the opening kickoff and that first bank of commercials.

Bud Selig seriously considering appointing someone to oversee MLB steroid policy Hey, Tyler Hamilton's free.

Barry Bonds's rehabilitation from knee surgery has hit a snag. He's so desperate that he's turning his batting helmet into a Jacuzzi.

Barry's rehab is being supervised by Giants team trainer Stan Conte. How many subpoenas has this guy received by mistake?

Meanwhile, baseball fever has gripped Washington, D.C. Last week I saw a couple of lobbyists trying to persuade Frank Robinson to get more at bats for Terrmel Sledge.

Rangers pitcher Frank Francisco has been rehabbing an elbow injury. Last week he threw a simulated game, and a simulated folding chair.

FDA changes food pyramid for first time since 1992 Lot of surprises. Apparently, creatine is no longer considered a grain.

Paris to turn Champs-Elysées into temporary athletic field with swimming pool for June 5 demonstration of Olympic events Not to be outdone, New York City police will carry a convicted arsonist through all five boroughs to simulate the torch relay.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Ready for the World.

Bill Scheft is waiting for NBC Sports to get back to him about his Sunday afternoon series, Zamboni Demolition Derby.

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ILLUSTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN