The Show

Quick Impression Elin Nordegren Woods: "I don't care that your plans changed. You have nothing to do this weekend, you can put in the screens."

Six years later John Rocker referring to himself as a victim So he's developed a changeup.

Rocker reportedly claimed that in the last six years he has suffered more abuse than Hank Aaron or Jackie Robinson. Please. What, was he turned away from a lunch counter because they refused to serve idiots?

When he pitches for the Long Island Ducks, Rocker wears plugs in his ears so he cannot hear the crowd. That's sad. This whole story could have been prevented if only we had been wearing those things.

Jason Giambi continues to struggle Last week Joe Torre came this close to sending Giambi to Columbus and replacing him on the roster with Bellamy Road.

George Steinbrenner is frustrated. He may tell Giambi to start taking steroids again and beat the tests with urine from the Irish Tenor.

Barry Bonds's 700th home run ball went back up for auction. It has a slight gash from where his doctor cut into it by mistake.

Albert Ting, Bonds's doctor, has been disciplined twice by the California state medical board and is currently on probation. He's using the time to pitch his reality TV show, Meniscus Bloopers.

We're off to sweep the Wizards Very impressive. The Heat won the last two games in Washington without Shaquille O'Neal. Doctors liken Shaq's thigh bruise to what would happen if he hit his leg twice with a sledgehammer, or once with one of his free throws.

In a recent interview Shaq ripped Lakers management and referred to Kobe Bryant as "Whatchamacallit." Wow. That may be even more disrespectful than "the defendant."

Dwyane Wade scored a franchise-record 42 playoff points in the clincher. He's now dominant enough to fire Aaron Goodwin.

LeBron James fired his agent, Aaron Goodwin. I guess LeBron had his heart set on guest hosting Chappelle's Show.

Over the last two years Goodwin has negotiated $135 million in endorsement deals. I don't want to sound like my dad, but can you imagine if he'd applied himself?

Jim Brown has joined the Browns in a yet-to-be-named position I've got a name. What about Guy We Bring In When We Want to Scare the Crap out of Someone.

The Vikings' Onterrio Smith was detained at a Minneapolis airport when security found paraphernalia designed to beat drug testing. He told police the kit was for his cousin, and they released him. Right now, there's a thousand shoe bombers thinking, For my cousin. Why didn't I think of that?

The Giants signed an agreement with the state of New Jersey to fund a new $750 million stadium. Help me out here. Does this mean the front-runner for the 2012 Olympics is now Secaucus?

New heavyweight champ James Toney tests positive for steroids The WBA is very clear on this. The only place you are allowed to fight while on steroids is a bar in Miami Beach.

John Salley seen making out with Teri Hatcher Sure, it sounds great, but he kept getting interrupted by Tom Arnold.

Recent CSI: NY episode centers on dead Red Sox fan The guy is discovered dead in his car in the Yankee Stadium parking lot. Neat twist. He'd originally been found on Oct. 16, 2003, but Grady Little decided to leave him in.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Crisis.

Bill Scheft's first collection of columns, The Best of The Show, is in stores. You'll find it in the section "Self-indulgent nonfiction."

COLOR ILLUSTRATION

ILLUSTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN