What's that on the TV?
Oh, well, pal, that's, uh, that's the volume control. But we usually just use the remote. Like this.
No, Dad. The commercial. What's Viagrow?
Via-GRA. Well, that's, see, that's nothing you really need to know about until you're on, like, your third hip.
Mom said I was supposed to ask you. Viagra, See Alice and Lavoris--she said to ask you about all of them.
Cialis and Levitra. She did?
Pal, have you ever really looked at our ceiling down here? Because if you look at the ceiling tiles, you can make out animal shapes. Like, look right there, I see an elephant!
Hey, look, the game's back on! Let's just sit here and watch the game, want to?
Hey! There it is again, behind home plate! It says Viagra.
Jeez, that's some amazing coincidence, huh?
What's it mean, on the Cialis ads, when they say you should call your doctor if you get a four-hour--
Hey! I just found a nickel in the couch! You want to look for more? You can keep anything you find!
Dad, does Levitra help you throw the football straighter? Because the guy in the commercial uses Levitra, and then he can throw spirals right through the swinging tire. Because that might help me make starting quarterback next year.
No, no, it's really not about football, buddy.
Well, how come Mike Dinka was always on TV talking about Levitra? He played football.
DIT-ka. I can't imagine how broke he had to be to do that ad, to be honest.
Doesn't Viagra help you hit home runs? Because the guy for the Orioles, Rafael Palmerror, he did ads for it. And he's got more than 500 homers!
Palmei-RO. Well, no, I don't think it helps you hit home runs. But you know what? I think SpongeBob SquarePants might be coming on!
Is it illegal or something? Is it like when Sammy Sosa corked his bat?
Is it like corking your bat? Well, kinda yes, but kinda no.
Did baseball players advertise Viagra when you were a kid, Dad?
No! I mean, I can't see Mickey Mantle doing a Viagra ad. "Hi, I'm Mickey Mantle! And whenever I have trouble becoming...." Ah, never mind.
When we watch NASCAR, I see it on Mark Martin's car. VIAGRA. He got the pole position in the last race. Does Viagra help him get the pole position?
Psheesh! Really, son, don't worry about these ads for Viagra and all that, because a bill was just introduced in Congress to keep those commercials off our TV until after 10 p.m. So, you know, soon you probably won't be seeing them anymore.
Neither will you, Dad. You go to bed at 9:30.
Justin says that somebody buys a Viagra nine times a second. Who's he talking about?
I don't know, but I'll bet he could really use a date.
Nothing. Hey, I know, grab one of those copies of Sports Illustrated in that pile. You wanna go through it with me?
Sure! (Pause.) Dad, do all these girls in swimsuits play sports?
Well, some do. I--
How come this one's holding her swimsuit instead of wearing it? Does that make her swim faster?
O.K., forget that--
Wait! Here's an ad for Viagra, too!
Son, let's just drop this whole--
Might as well tell me, Dad. I can always go on the Internet.
(Sigh.) Well, uh, son, Viagra helps guys who--. See, Viagra is something that dads take when they're with moms and things aren't really happening--. See, uh, have I ever told you the story of Jack and the Magic Beans?
Where the magic beans make a huge beanstalk?
Yeah, it works kinda like that. Hey! It's time for SportsCenter! You wanna change the channel quick?
Perfect! Let's just sit here quietly and check out what's going on in sports news.
Dad, what's a Whizzinator?
• If you have a comment for Rick Reilly, send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dad, what's that on the TV? What's Viagrow?
Hey, look, son, the game's back on! Let's just sit here quietly and watch the game, want to?
PETER READ MILLER