Good to be here. Have you seen The Longest Yard? I was stunned. I thought Bill Romanowski was supposed to stay away from secondhand scripts.
All's well done that ends Wheldon at Indy Dan Wheldon became the first British driver to take the checkered flag in 39 years. Of course, if you know your racing history, Graham Hill won the 500 in 1966, followed by Gerry and the Pacemakers.
ABC relied on 70 cameras to cover the action. Sixty-eight after Danica Patrick found two in her rec room.
The heralded 23-year-old rookie wound up fourth but made history at Indy twice: becoming the first woman ever to lead the race and becoming the first woman ever to take attention away from Ashley Judd.
Reggie Miller waved the green flag to start the race. How come I thought he would try to get the field to pull up 23 feet, nine inches from the line?
French Open slides into second week Or, as it's now known, Americans Idle.
Are you kidding? Andre Agassi checked into a Left Bank hotel under the name Red Clay Achin'.
It's getting embarrassing. If you're an American man and you walk into any bar in Paris, they won't let you stay longer than two rounds.
Congress pushing through Clean Sports Act The bill would require players from the four major sports leagues to be tested at least three times during the regular season and twice during the off-season. I know what you're thinking: The NHL is still considered a major sports league?
Two drug tests during the off-season. Finally, a way to make card shows exciting.
Reds designate alltime saves leader Danny Graves for assignment The assignment: Learn to walk off the mound with your arms at your sides.
And it looks as if the Nationals will award ProFund Advisors the naming rights to RFK Stadium. There was a chance they would rename the stadium after the National Guard, but they wanted President Bush to show up more than a couple of weekends a year.
NFL bans horse-collar tackles They're serious. The only exception is if you're trying to keep Kellen Winslow II out of a Harley dealership.
No more horse-collar tackles? Does this mean the Broncos have to change the logo on their helmets from the untamed stallion to a guy from the Humane Society?
The owners approved the sale of the Vikings to Zygmunt Wilf. Now if Zygmunt Wilf doesn't sound like the name of a guy who lost a roster spot to Jan Stenerud on the last day of camp in 1977, then I just don't know sports.
Wilf is a New Jersey shopping-mall magnate who vowed to keep the team in Minnesota--even if it means converting the end zones into an Office Depot and a Bed Bath & Beyond.
Sixers fire Jim O'Brien, name Maurice Cheeks head coach So, Allen Iverson did not have to use the nuclear option.
Elsewhere, the Bucks won the NBA draft lottery. Milwaukee had a 6.3% chance of getting the first pick. Or twice as good as their odds of re-signing Michael Redd.
Cooperstown is undergoing a $20 million renovation The Hall of Fame will be more accessible to the handicapped. In a related story, Pete Rose spent his Preakness winnings on a Rascal Scooter.
My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Crazy World of Arthur Brown.
Bill Scheft's column collection The Best of the Show, is in stores. Mention Mike Tice and pay quadruple the retail price!
ILLUSTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN