Good to be here. Do I have this right? Deep Throat finally came forward because he heard there was an opening in the 49ers' p.r. department?
Tyson's career ends in tomato can After his sixth-round TKO loss to Kevin McBride in which he tried to break McBride's arm, then opened a cut with a head butt, Tyson said he was retiring to become a missionary. Ladies and gentlemen, sometimes you don't have to come up with a joke.
Tyson was penalized two points for the head butt. Luckily one of the points was garnisheed by the IRS.
Afleet Alex pulls away in Belmont The Preakness winner ran the fastest last quarter mile at Belmont in 36 years. I haven't seen anything close that quickly since the Expos season-ticket office.
Nick Zito started 11 horses in this year's Triple Crown, and only one finished in the money. Is there such a thing as a Total Eclipse Award?
New York politicians vote down proposed stadium Despite the decision, New York still has a chance of getting the 2012 Olympics. Are you kidding? Neverland Ranch has a better shot at hosting the Games.
Paris is such an overwhelming favorite for the 2012 Games, Jacques Chirac has given citizens the go-ahead to resume being rude to tourists.
Nike drops Jason Giambi as spokesman He's planning on signing with that hip, new sneaker company, Andro1.
The Yankees continue to struggle. George Steinbrenner's been calling so many times during games, Joe Torre brought Russell Crowe in to rip the phone out of the dugout.
Elsewhere, Colorado rookie Clint Barmes is out three months after breaking his collarbone while carrying a slab of deer meat up a flight of stairs. Typical Rockie. He's blaming it on the altitude.
The Giants plan to retire Gaylord Perry's number in July. It'll all be part of K-Y Appreciation Day.
Spurs-Pistons have month to themselves I don't want to quibble with the Finals schedule, but isn't every day potentially a travel day for Larry Brown?
Brown continues to deny reports he's going to the Cavaliers. The only way I'd believe him less is if he jumped on Oprah's couch and professed his love for Detroit.
The Pistons have their hands full with San Antonio's offense. The only way to stop Tony Parker is to put two men on Eva Longoria.
Not to nitpick, but technically isn't Bruce Bowen's position the To Guard?
Michael Jordan has reportedly come out in favor of an age limit for NBA players. I believe his exact words were, "Stick on 20."
Good news for NHL? If the lockout isn't settled by July 1, the owners and players have agreed to come up with replacement excuses.
The league is seriously considering adopting a shootout to settle ties. How about adopting a shootout to settle this tie?
John Daly signs endorsement deal with Hooters Are you like me? Are you frightened he's going to start wearing really tight shirts?
Next year's NFL draft may be held at Disney World It'll be a perfect tie-in with the theme park's new attraction, Cap Space Mountain.
Kirk Gibson to appear on Wheaties box Great. Does this mean the flakes will take five minutes to get out of the box and make it to the plate?
Curtain falls on THE SHOW after three-year run Here are the final stats: 140 columns, 2,872 jokes, 36 actual laughs.
Thanks. You've been great. My time is really up. Enjoy Elephant's Memory.
ILLUSTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN