What's Your Line?
The world is fullof bulls--- jobs: aromatherapist, closet organizer, construction-siteflag-waver, life coach. I know because I've written a book called 100 Bulls---Jobs ... And How to Get Them. B.S. jobs are not a bad thing. They pay prettywell, in some cases ridiculously so. The necessary skills are easily acquired,even for those who did not ace the fourth grade. And the duties are often fewand far between (and probably more fun than what you're doing--unless you'refortunate enough to be, say, a hand model). Since you're reading SI at themoment--and not working--you might be interested in a rundown of the biggestB.S. jobs in sports.
TV bloviator
Have you got the right stuff to delve into the bottomless river of drivel thatis television sports commentary? Can you conceive an uninformed opinion on anysport--pro, college, high school, grade school, preschool--and scream it abovethe spittle-flecked rantings of an interlocutor as poorly prepared as yourself?Would you be willing to eat dog food on TV, as Cold Pizza's Woody Paige waslast fall, to prove a point about the San Diego Padres?
B.S. Quotient:52%
B.S. ReductionFactors: People are sometimes so bored by you, they disappear during a dinnerat which you're being honored. And dog food is salty. Very salty.
Sports agent
A seven-figure salary is not out of the ordinary, and why should it be whenyou're laughing at nine-figure offers for your aging workhorses and marginalwunderkinds? Attention to detail is not necessary (in 2003 Anthony Carter's repforgot to tell the Miami Heat that Carter wanted to pick up his $4.1 millionoption, costing him his spot on the team). But you must know how to shinepeople on or cut them dead, depending on the situation. The great agents find aprofound sense of personal achievement in the success of others--as long asthey have a piece of them.
B.S. Quotient:61%
B.S. ReductionFactor: Must take the periodic midnight call from law enforcement.
Itinerantmalcontent
It's easy, fun and--ask TO--more financially rewarding than playing hard andfulfilling your contract. Just doze in team meetings, show up late for charityevents and fight with teammates until everybody is willing to treat you like afailed CEO and pay you to go away. No one did it better than Keyshawn Johnson,who kept receiving his $170,000-a-week salary from the Buccaneers in 2003 afterthe team told him not to bother showing up for games or practices.
B.S. Quotient:68%.
B.S. ReductionFactors: Media hordes gather when you do sit-ups in driveway--and you getripped by TV bloviators.
Mascot
There's an old saying: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the 60-poundparade costume. But if you can tolerate temperatures that rival the surface ofthe sun, this could be the optimal B.S. job for you. Just stay away fromfranchises that force you to hurtle your bulbous head through a flaming hoop orbounce your size-168 backside on a minitrampoline. But to be Mr. Met, whosewhole job seems to be to wave his arms and bobble his noggin? Yeah, baby!
B.S. Quotient:73%
B.S. ReductionFactors: It's tough to scratch yourself inside those things, and mascotgroupies look about like what you'd expect.
Public informationdirector, International Curling Association
The raw excitement and vein-popping strategic action of curling has enchantedand enthralled, winning the hearts of almost many. Therefore, it needs verylittle p.r. expertise to sell it to a waiting audience.
B.S. Quotient:81%
B.S. ReductionFactor: Must often work with sportswriters.
First basecoach
The pitching coach teaches you how to pitch. The hitting coach shows you how tohit. Even the third base coach must occasionally dispense with the B.S. anddecide when to windmill like a madman and send a runner home. But the firstbase coach? That's the job you want. He's the lucky former player who gets tohold shin guards and elbow pads and pat guys on the butt.
B.S. Quotient:85%
B.S. ReductionFactor: Little chance for no-show job lending your name to a camp for kids whoyearn to be first base coaches.
Olympic iceskating judge
If you can get by the hallowed tradition that says you must look as if you'venever ice-skated in your friggin' life, this is a great gig. And it's onlybetter now that new rules take all the guesswork out of determining whom thefederation wants to win.
B.S. Quotient:89%
B.S. ReductionFactor: The new rules also eliminate bribe money from the Russian mafia.
Guy who drives therelief pitcher out
Yes, here it is, the job that was so B.S. they actually got rid of it! Butnever in the history of sports has there been a position that so brilliantlyblended downtime with personal glory. You're in the game. The stadium isroaring approval. And you are at the controls of ... a giant hat.
B.S. Quotient:100% It just doesn't get more B.S. than that.
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''I have never seen anybody take that much punishmentand come back." --WLADIMIR KLITSCHKO, PAGE 20
THREE ILLUSTRATIONS
ILLUSTRATIONS BY JOHN CUNEO
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