Regretlessly Yours

Stars can saveboatloads of legal fees with the first-ever Do It Yourself AthleticApology--the No-pology‚Ñ¢.

Star athletestend to get themselves in more hot water than Top Ramen. Last week alone KeithHernandez, Kenyon Martin and Delmon Young all had to do major damage controlfor bad behavior. ¶ But now, thanks to the discount law firm of Wheezle, Wangleand Dodge, stars can save boatloads of p.r. and legal fees with the first-everDo It Yourself Athletic Apology--the No-pology™. It's the best way to say"I'm sorry" without really meaning it. Try it next time you're busted!(Clear throat and read sincerely.)

THE NO-FAULT APOLOGY

Ladies andgentlemen, let me begin by saying I'm acutely aware of the accusations that I(pick from Menu A) . Let me state categorically and on the record that (onefrom Menu B) . What everybody involved needs to clearly understand is that(Menu C) . And I refuse to let the (Menu D) win. Still, if (Menu E) , then Iwould definitely like to take this opportunity to (Menu F) . But I'll tell youone thing, I (Menu G) . Peace. Out.

Menu AOFFENSES

• tested positivefor every chemical on the element chart

• insulted anentire (race/gender/religion)

• beat thebejesus out of that meter maid

• groped most ofthe Rockettes

• threatened tokneecap my coach

• kneecapped mycoach

Menu BEXCUSES

• I have norecollection of doing any of that

• it is what itis

• my meds wereway off

• that's just (myname) being (my

name)

• it was thearthritic rub

• I had to dosomething; they dissed my peeps

Menu CRATIONALIZATIONS

• people justbuild you up to knock you down

• things gotblown way out of proportion

• I didn't knowthat the damn thing

was loaded

• people shouldbe curing cancer, not

hassling me

• nobody would'vesaid a word if I were

(name differentrace)

• nobody told mecops can dress like hookers

Menu DSCAPEGOATS

• media

• haters

• liberals

• terrorists

• Girl Scouts

• voices in myhead

Menu E DISTANCINGPHRASE

• my actions weresomehow misinterpreted

• my T-shirt wastaken out of context

• people are thatPC

• one littleflag-burning offended the

mouth-breathers

• my RosieO'Donnell impression

botheredanybody

• the wildfireshave become a distraction

Menu FNO-POLOGY‚Ñ¢

• turn the pageand move forward

• in a way,apologize, up to a point-ish

• express regretthat it even happened

• feel bad forthese morons

• ask you whatyou want me to say

• leave it in(Jesus/Allah/Vishnu)'s hands

Menu G THE LASTWORD

• sure as hellain't apologizing to that nun

• will pick abatboy next time who can take a punch

• didn't evenknow those people were considered a minority

• won't ever ridemy Harley in Nordstrom again

• will nottorpedo any more Smirnoff/Zoloft shooters ever again

• had my fingerscrossed

A special thanksto the more than 6,000 readers who have donated so far to the Nothing But Netcampaign against malaria in Africa. At press time the program had received morethan $345,000. To help out, go to unfoundation.org/malaria.

• If you have acomment for Rick Reilly, send it to reilly@SIletters.com.

RIFFS of REILLY

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PHOTO

PETER READ MILLER