Pull up a stool,Matt Leinart. Let me buy you a fresh-squeezed adult beverage. You don't knowit, but you just made my day.
You, Mr. PerfectStubble, USC Star, First-Round-Pick Quarterback, just checked into the ParisHilton. Miss Millionheiress Man-eater Paris Hilton, that is. You're dating her.Guess she graded out well on film, huh?
You're going thereeven though you know this girl is hotter than a flapjack skillet but twice asshallow. She has billionaire boyfriends for between-meal snacks. The last oneshe broke up with, Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, spent an hour lastweek crying and ringing her doorbell, according to paparazzi. He wound upsprawled on her driveway, weeping. Next!
Personally, I don'tthink you'll last longer than a stolen brownie at a Weight Watchers seminar. Inthe What Will She Do to Matt? office pool, I've got Leave Him with a FacialTic. But professionally, I'm doing backflips. Self-induced career wrecks makegreat copy, and jocks and divas mix like nitroglycerine and band camp.
In fact, I'd sayMiss Paris has a chance to crack my Top 10 Alltime Skirt Hurts. But it won't beeasy. These cupcake killers could bring down an athlete faster than crapstables and discount birth control put together.
Model and ex-wife of the Houston Astros' Jeff Bagwell once sold ad space on hercleavage.
Former stripper--with plenty of ad space--once told Howard Stern when husbandKris was pitching for the New York Mets that if he ever cheated on her, she'dsleep with every member of the team. The Mets set a record that year for MostDigital Cameras Purchased.
8. Jane Shea
Ex-wife of former Arsenal and England soccer star Tony Adams got caught bypolice with a dead body in her car in 2004. Though she was found innocent ofwrongdoing, it didn't help Tony's standing at church any.
She married the hard-drinking, hard-gambling,Diet-Coke--Marlboro-and-chocolate-addicted golfer John Daly. It was the groom'sfourth wedding. The man has rice marks. So what were the odds that the one injail on a conspiracy charge in connection with a drug and gambling ring wouldbe the blushing bride?
The only woman ever to deserve a Super Bowl share. During a beef in Januarywith her husband, Indianapolis Colts cornerback Nick Harper, she allegedly useda filleting knife to make some finer points on his knee. The next day, in theclosing moments of an AFC playoff game, a bouncing football fell into guesswhose hands. Ninety yards of open field lay ahead, but Harper, running on thatjulienned knee, couldn't get by the slowest guy on the field--PittsburghSteelers QB Ben Roethlisberger. Pittsburgh held on to win the game and,eventually, the Super Bowl. Every Steelers fan owes Danielle a big thank you.But I'd do it by phone.
Barry Bonds's former mistress ratted the San Francisco Giant Head out to tworeporters and a federal grand jury with allegations of Bonds's steroid use andfunneling of unreported memorabilia cash to her. Don't ask for whom the Bellmoles.
The hardbody from the Whitesnake videos liked prescription drugs more than RiteAid does. One night, as she and her husband, Cleveland Indians pitcher ChuckFinley, were riding home in their car, the stiletto-heeled Tawny repeatedlykicked Finley and brutally scratched him. She even stomped on his foot while itwas on the gas pedal--definitely not recommended in the owner's manual.
"With this ring, I thee wreck." Remember Barbara Walters's interviewingGivens and her then husband Mike Tyson? Tyson, loopy on antidepressants, actinglike Robin's purse poodle as she trashed him on national TV? Robin ending upwith millions of Tyson's cash? Tyson ending up as broke as TWA? Sure, in thelong run Mike drowned himself, but Robin helped fill the pool.
O.K., not technically a woman, but he has to be included for sheer sensationalspousal sabotage. The former husband of ice skater Tonya Harding, Gilloolyengineered the kneecapping of his ex-wife's rival, Nancy Kerrigan. Now if he'donly kneecap Tonya's fridge.
1. Lisa (Left Eye)Lopes
Before her death in 2002, the on-again, off-again girlfriend of former NFL starreceiver Andre Rison was a walking FEMA file. In one all-out, Richard Pryornight, she vandalized three of Rison's luxury cars and burned down hismansion.
But, hey, don't letme scare you, Matt. Give it a whirl! After all, you'll always have Paris, evenif she leaves you sleeping in a refrigerator box.
(Fred in payrollhas that in the pool.)
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In the What Will Paris Do to Matt? pool, I've got LeaveHim with a Facial Tic. I don't think he'll last longer than a stolen brownie ata Weight Watchers seminar.
RIFFS of REILLY
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PETER READ MILLER