The Beat

One website saidthat Uwe Boll's 2006 vampire thriller, BloodRayne, contained "ineptlystaged action scenes, shoddy special effects, muddled storytelling, laughabledialogue and borderline amateurish performances." And that was one of thenicer reviews. Fed up with the negative press, Boll, a 41-year-old formeramateur boxer, challenged anyone who panned the movie to step into the ringwith him. Last week the stout Boll demonstrated that while the pen may bemightier than the sword, it's no match for a good right hook. He KO'd fourcritics (none of the fights lasted more than two rounds) and sent one scribe tothe hospital. "I made my point," Boll said. Footage of the bouts willbe included as extras on the DVD for Boll's next film, Postal, which will hitscreens--most likely to rave reviews--next year.

• Let's hope forher sake that those reports that Eva Longoria (right) tattooed Tony Parker'sinitials in "an intimate area" aren't true. She and the Spurs guard,who have been dating for two years, may have broken up. Last week People.comreported that they had split, and Longoria's rep issued a statement saying,"Eva and Tony are going through a very difficult time right now, just likeany other couple with extremely demanding careers." But on Monday, Parker,who is at training camp in France, told the San Antonio Express-News that"everything is fine."

• It was a bigweek for George Steinbrenner look-alikes. First, seven Yankees rookies wereforced to dress like the New York owner (white turtleneck, blue blazer, Aviatorshades and gray wig) on a team flight as part of the traditional late-seasonnewbie hazing. (It could have been worse. Said pitcher Jeff Karstens,"Anything's better than a skirt.") Then ESPN cast Oliver Platt (TheWest Wing) to play the Boss in a miniseries based on Jonathan Mahler's bookLadies and Gentlemen, the Bronx Is Burning. Platt's nemesis will be JohnTurturro (Quiz Show), who'll play Yankees manager Billy Martin.

• When DavidBeckham was feeling down after being dropped from the English national team, heturned to someone who knows a thing or two about living in a fishbowl: TomCruise. "He talked to me about everything [positive] I had done in theWorld Cup," Beckham told the London Daily Mirror. "It just does yougood to hear somebody saying that sometimes." The Cruise-Beckham bond couldget even stronger. Katie Holmes, the mother of Cruise's daughter Suri, willreportedly play Victoria Beckham in an upcoming film.... Dallas Mavericks ownerMark Cuban and former NBA forward Dennis Rodman are teaming up for a reality TVshow that will air on Cuban's HDNet. Geek to Freak, which premieres in January,will feature Rodman helping antisocial types overcome their anxieties--such asturning a shy secretary into a stripper.

They Said It

DAN HAWKINS,

Colorado football coach, on explaining to officials therepercussions of their bad calls:

"You go back to selling real estate on Monday, andyou're selling my house because I just got fired."

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

A jayvee football player at a Utah high school wascharged with assault for allegedly putting a thumbtack in his glove andpricking opponents during the postgame handshake.

PHOTO

JONNE RORIZ, AGENCIA ESTADO/AP (PICTURE THIS)

 PICTURETHIS

It's the ultimate track and field nightmare: Lia Mara Lourenco, a judge at theBrazil Trophy, a national meet in S√£o Paulo, got a little too close to theaction on Sept. 24 and had her foot impaled by an errant javelin. She wasn'thurt as badly as you might think. Lourenco underwent surgery to remove thejavelin and was released from the hospital last Friday with nothing more than afractured pinkie toe.

TWO PHOTOS

L.G. PATTERSON/AP (HAWKINS); TOBY CANHAM/GETTY IMAGES (LONGORIA)