Gift Rapping
You. Can. Live. Your. Dreams. The secret? Have crappy little dreams. Instead of yearning to be as fast as a track star or as strong as a lineman, aim to be, say, as punctual as a lacrosse player or as tall as a race car driver. The J.J. Yeley growth chart lets you measure yourself against a marginally successful NASCAR guy who's only 5'8". Go for it! teambabyentertainment.com, $29.95
Even French people will tell you: Ménages √† trois are more trouble than they're worth, especially this time of year, when participants have to shell out for double gifts and put up with as many as six parents. Better to all chip in for a tricorn air-hockey table, then go down in the basement and have some fun. Hammacher Schlemmer, $499.95 (By the way, Tinker, Evers and Chance? Not true.)
Talk about a "designated driver": The Kooler Klub allows you to sneak 48 ounces of your favorite beverage around the golf course. Hollow shaft technology keeps liquids cool and provides an excuse to tell ribald stories about the death of Nelson Rockefeller. clubchamp.com, $49.99
Manipulating fat people just got easier. Get these inflatable remote-control sumo wrestlers and knock yourself out. thinkgeek.com, $39.99
Is this the most authentic sports-themed accessory ever? All we know is that when the check came at dinner the other night and we prepared to pay, Gaylord Perry rushed over and spit on our 216-stitch baseball wallet. baseballwallet.com, $30
It took us awhile to figure it out, but once we realized that they were the team of Bob Lemon and Jim Abbott, the New York Yankees slot machine made perfect sense. eBay.com, $399
Sure, it sounds like a big-ticket item—$100,000 for your own private backyard water park—but by the time your kids are in their early 40s, the setup more or less pays for itself, assuming the water cannons either caused no injuries or blew children beyond your property line. Neiman Marcus
NASCAR cologne. perfume.com, $18
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COURTESY WATERPLAY MANUFACTURING INC. (WATERPARK)
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CORBIS (SLOT MACHINE)
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BASEBALLWALLETT.COM (WALLET)
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THINKGEEK.COM (SUMO WRESTLERS)
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AFTER5CATALOG.COM (GOLF CLUB)
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HAMMACHER SCHLEMMER (AIR HOCKEY TABLE)
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BABYFANATIC.COM (GROWTH CHART)
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